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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.09.20 15:01z 247 Lines 6188 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 27/9
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Sent: 200927/1430Z 6205@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not
give
-----------
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
--------
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry OK?'
I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'
----------
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
--------
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It's trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we're having a bunch of
ten year olds over for
a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
My phone updated and now my husband and I have the same exact emojis. We
may never have to speak
again.
------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs
for her husband.
Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful ...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh NO! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh NO! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
wrong with you? You think I don't know how to
fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted you to
see how it feels when I'm driving with you in the
car."
---------
A blind man walks into a bar and while being served, asks whether anyone
Would mind him telling a “blond” joke.
The woman behind the bar replied “Well, you can tell a blond joke in here
But bear in mind I am blond, my partner over there is blond, the woman
Sitting next to you is the County mud wrestling champion and is blond, the
Woman sitting the other side of you is a karate instructor and shes blond
And the woman whose just walked in has just been let out for murder and
shes blond too. So do you think you really want to tell a blond joke?”
“No” said the blind man. “Not if I am going to have to repeat the punch
Line five times”
------------
Bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.
The assistant looks at him and says "Are you Irish?"
The man replies "If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me
If I was Italian? Or if I asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if
I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Wouldya, he?
Wouldya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon, would you ask me if I was
American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, no, I probably wouldn't,"
Indignantly the man says, "So why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
Because asked for Irish Sausages?"
The assistant replies, "Because this is Homebase."
--------
Sexual connotations -
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African
desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel
hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And
sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
"urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder
behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and
has wild, insane s@@ with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are."
---------
Three men died just before Christmas and went to the gates of heaven where
St Peter informed them that to get in, they had to show him something with a
Yule-tide flavour.
The first man snapped off some twigs from a bush nearby and held them out
Explaining, somewhat feebly, that it was a Christmas Tree. “Very Good” said
St Peter, wearily, “go in”.
Man number two struck a match and held it aloft proclaiming that it was a
Reminder of the star of Bethlehem. “Oh Go on then” said St Peter as he waved
The second man in.
The third man then pulled out from his pocket and held up a pair of
Knickers. “What the devil is the meaning of that?!” exclaimed St Peter. The
Third man protested “But they are Carols!“
-------
"Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?" he asks.
£100 she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style? "No"she says.
"I pay you £200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you £300."
"No,"she says.
"I pay you £400.
"No," she says.
So finally he says,
"OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the
world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was
expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, you send bill to Government."
AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYER,
IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!
Screwing us and we pay!
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