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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.03.19 07:53z 384 Lines 10734 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 29122_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 4/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190304/0743Z 29122@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
North wind - it'll be very cold
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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ONCE YOU LET THEM GO, YOU CAN'T GET THEM BACK
SEND THE POEM BELOW TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
INCLUDING ME!
Well, here is the cure...... Just smile and say...
Dear Lord,
I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best!
I have this circle of E-mail friends,
Who mean the world to me;
Some days I 'send' and 'send,'
At other times, I let them be.
I am so blessed to have these friends,
With whom I've grown so close;
So this little poem I dedicate to them,
Because to me they are the 'Most'!
When I see each name download,
And view the message they've sent;
I know they've thought of me that day,
And 'well wishes' were their intent.
So to you, my friends, I would like to say,
Thank you for being a part;
Of all my daily contacts,
This comes right from my heart..
God bless you is my prayer today,
I'm honoured to call you 'friend';
I pray the Lord will keep you safe,
Until we write again.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE OUR MARBLES...
FOR LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!
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Please take care to note this medical advice - I Love
this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it.
.. don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually..
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying
you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer?
Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak
is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily
allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even
more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottoms
up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...
good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In
fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for
you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You
should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HALLOOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another
vegetable! It is the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat ...
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat ...
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine ...
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine ...
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages
and fats
...
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
-------------
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without
a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated
with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me
in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and
something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other
program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone
in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my
hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long
time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".
You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely
tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make
a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead,
it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run
around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and
the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle
on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time
I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take
them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
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The Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly
gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches
removed from his thumb.
He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing
it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not
busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors,
got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his
wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another
doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing
home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she
was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not
recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every
morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't
know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps
on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will
not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one
that comes along that has an important message..
This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did..
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, But how to dance
in the rain.'
We are all getting Older, Tomorrow may be our turn.
---------
Slightly sexual
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was
where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new
children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product
name.
--------
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth...
He spoke to his toes. “Hello toes!ö he said. “How are you? You
know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we
walked on the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The
times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy Birthday toes!ö
“Hello, knees,ö he continued. “How are you? You know you’re 92 today.
Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.ö
Then, he looked down at his crotch. “Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just
think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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