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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.09.20 07:01z 359 Lines 8477 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 5837_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 20/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<I0OJJ<N6RME<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 200920/0644Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:5837 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Dew on the grass, rain won't come to pass
--
*God's Plan for Aging*
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His
wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so
they would have to search for their glasses, keys,
and other things, thus doing more walking. And God
looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom
He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop
things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and
decided seniors would have additional calls of
nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus
providing more exercise. God looked down and saw
that it was good.
So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and
down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in
your best interest even though you mutter under your
breath.
*Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older*
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky,
and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam
in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird, and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you
do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go
to the bathroom.
--
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
--------
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep
the whole time, but
at least we're doing something together
My wife just asked me to build a new deck like I'm Jesus or something.
------
Ten Quid Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Coalville and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at East
Mids airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies,
and now I'm just retired..'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
'Ten quid,' the guy says.
'Ten Pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
--------
DOUGH... The stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... The guy that sells me beer...
ME...... The guy... Who drinks the beer,
FAR..... The distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... No thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!
Detective
---------
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant
And then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating.
"Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following
You."
---------------
Trouble
-------
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a
Short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked,
"Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
Frogs
-----
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden,
A fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started
Laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in
Laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the
Sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's
Possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came
When the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The
First frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog
Explained:
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
----------------
Sexual innuendo -
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a Bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
searched
for the farmer, but to no avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running
around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car
and the
chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping the still had time to save his
friend's life.
Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive
in
the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken
tossed
to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken
then drove
slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer
was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then
lift
him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his
life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.!
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