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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.02.19 09:26z 268 Lines 7509 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28937_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 28/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190228/0921Z 28937@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A month that comes in good, goes out bad
(Does it mean that "A month that comes in bad, goes out good ?)
---------
A guy went to a very exclusive restaurant dressed in a clown suit.
The whole regalia. Big floppy shoes, a red ball on his nose, Bozo-type
hair, the whole schtick.
The Maitre D' said, "I'm sorry, sir, I can't let you in dressed
like that. Our dress code is very strict. Gentlemen must wear a
jacket and a tie."
The guy said, "Please, sir, let me explain. I am a prominent business
man in town here. My name is Rich Bigbucks. I am the Chief Executive
Officer of Greed, Inc. I am dressed like this because I was one of
the volunteers that went to the Children's Hospital today to help
cheer up the sick and injured children. We do this every month or so."
The Maitre D' said, "Well, sir, it is highly irregular. But having
listened to the circumstances, I will let you in. But a warning!
Don't try anything funny!"
-----------
This insurance company's contract with a government agency has just
expired, and a technician fields the call from an agency bureaucrat
reminding him that he needs to destroy the agency-provided software.
"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe
computer," says the tech.
The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be
destroyed."
"How do you destroy software?" tech asks. But the agency guy can't
give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software
was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"
The tech finally suggested that we copy the software onto a tape
cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it and send the flattened
tape cartridge to the agency.
The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the
parking lot. The tech suggested the idea because of frustration
with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with
the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the
nature of software.
We put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking
up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelop and mailed it to the
government agency, to his attention.
We received a sincere thank you from the agency.
-------
Escalator
---------
My wife recently came home from shopping with an escalator.
She'll buy anything marked down!
--------------
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
You may have heard some of these before. However, as they say about grizzlies
with indigestion -- bears repeating!
Definition
---------
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. - M. Berle
Teacher Tech Help
-----------------
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After
Watching me struggle with it one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed" he said.
I called the computer services office and explained "My computer is down.
The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the
Problem?"
"A student told me" I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
Lucky
-----
"You know" a guy told his buddies"I'm a lucky man. I never realized how
Much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from
Work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home" he said"That every time someone came
To the door like the mailman or milk man she'd shout ' My husbands home!
My husband's home!'"
Truck
-----
It Seemed A Good Idea At The Time
An automobile transport trucker's headlights went out. So he stopped on the
Side of the road climbed onto the trailer turned on the lights of the
Front car returned to the cab of the truck and continued driving. A few
Miles down the road an approaching car swerved suddenly and ran off the
Road into a ditch.
The trucker pulled off the road stopped and went over to the car to see
If he could help. "Why did you swerve off the road?" he asked the car's
Driver.
The driver replied "well I figured that if you were as wide as you were
Tall I was done for if I didn't hit the ditch!"
I Don't Want To Be A Doctor Because...
--------------------------------------
If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.
If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.
Anaesthesiology would put me to sleep.
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can't stand podiatry.
I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I'm too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
But a friend told me that oncology would grow on me.
I'm told pediatrics is child's play!
I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.
I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.
I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.
It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.
-------------------
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep & Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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