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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.02.19 09:02z 249 Lines 6863 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28899_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 27/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<VE3UIL<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190227/0851Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:28899 BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every path has its puddle
------
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal favourite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
-----------
Pragmatic Cabbie ...
During a super busy downtown Xmas rush a stark-naked drunken
woman jumped into a vacant cab.
The East Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept
on staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the car.
"What's wrong with you sunshine, haven't you ever seen a naked
white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not
be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you’re not staring at me, what are you doing then?
"Well, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the
money to pay me?"
----------
Historical -David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more
difficult to claim benefits. From next week all claim forms will only be
printed in English.
-----------
Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear
gold tonight'.
Wife says 'why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.
-----------
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that
guy's heading for a breakdown'.
-----------
An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying
carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right telling-off -
apparently they were Allied Carpets!
-----------
Sexual
------------
Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever
'Eastern
European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out
to be
quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you
or your
friends!
Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of
eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping
into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy
T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead they
ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and
they both
get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are
completely
naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into
the front
seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you
intimately and
thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th
and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday. So
please
warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best
times
seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75
and look
better!! Happy Shopping!
------
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete
with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie
rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and
your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in
genies?'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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