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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.08.20 06:32z 251 Lines 8431 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22998_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 6/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I3XTY<GB7COW<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 200806/0549Z 22998@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If the 24th of August be fair and clear then hope for a prosperous Autumn that year-----------
-----
Palm Reading ;-
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
--
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
------
Diet
----
There's a new pasta diet -
Just walk pasta bakery without stopping
Walk pasta candy store without stopping
Walk pasta ice cream store without stopping.
War
---
At the Russian War College a general is a guest lecturer and tells the
Class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the
Resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the
First question"Will we have to fight in a World War Three Sir?"
"Yes comrades it looks like you will" answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised and
Finally one officer asks"But Comrade General we are 150 million people
And they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well" replies the general"Think about it. In modern war it is not the
Quantity but the quality that is the key. For example in the Middle East
5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs and the Jews
Have been the winners every time."
"But sir" asks the panicky officer"Do we have enough Jews?"
--------
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in
Moscow to have a chat with the students
He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia and how he wants the best for all
the people
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:
"I have two questions Why did the Russians take Crimea ? and why are we sending
troops to the Ukraine ?”
Putin says:
"Good question".
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions,
another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:
"I have four questions”
"My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea ?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?".
----
--------
To tell the weather go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet it's probably raining. But
if the dog is standing there really soaking wet it is probably
raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way it's
probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back it's probably snowing.
Of course to be able to tell the weather like this you have to
leave the dog outside all the time especially if you expect bad
weather.
SincerelyThe CAT
--------
ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODE STAND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23 . OK SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELLYOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED
SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED.
37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR
BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
---------
A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by
Throwing herself into Wellington Harbour. She went down to the docks and
Was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw
Her teetering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and
Said 'Listen you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on
My ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day'.
Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a
Wink 'I'll make you happy and you can make me happy.'
The blonde nodded 'Yes' through her tears. After all what did she have
To lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
Lifeboat along with blankets and food.
From then on every night he brought her sandwiches water wine and
fruit and they would make mad passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine inspection she was discovered by
the Captain. 'What the hell are you doing here?' the Captain demanded
angrily. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors' she explained.
'I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile' (she says coyly)'
he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink wink).
'He sure as hell is lady' the Captain said' this is the Picton ferry.'
------
A political solution
----------
A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided
to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practised long and hard to reach
their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American nsver discouraged and depressed decided to investigate the reason
for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was
formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering while
the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They
advised of course that too many people were steering the boat while not enough
people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information but wanting to prevent another loss to
the Japanese the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to
4 steering supervisors 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team
Quality First Program" with meetings dinners and free pens for the rower. There
was discussion of getting new paddles canoes and other equipment extra vacation
days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles.
Humiliated the American management laid off the rower for poor performance
halted development of a new canoe sold the paddles and cancelled all capital
investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior
Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
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