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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.08.20 06:16z 259 Lines 9098 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22962_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 5/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IK1NHL<CX2SA<PE1RRR<KC9UHI<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 200805/0556Z 22962@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Moss dry, sunny sky
------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
Elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-------------------------
Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
---
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He
Sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on
A ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
======
Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
Think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
I've sure got old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement,
New knees. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
Blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and
Feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But... Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
---------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my
Sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is
All in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
Lowered!"
-----------
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned
St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an
overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an
Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly
Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam
consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start
with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions
and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers
for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some
considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked
if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start
with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that
indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that
figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the
second of February, right through to the second of December,
giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to
consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And
he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll
allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and
final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the
easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the
suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in
God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched,
Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
-------
Never Squat With Your Spurs On!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post,
was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
---------
Slightly sexual
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.
' No, I don't, ' she replied.
' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.. '
She didn't crack a smile.
' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.
But, five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
' What's so funny? ' he asked.
' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
-----------
-
A farmer stopped by his local garage to have his van fixed. It couldn't be fixed while he waited, so he said as he didn't live far he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the local hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry it all home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Old cracker Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm backs onto Old cracker Lane. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the tin of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much' he said, and proceeded to walk the old lady home.
On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Good grief woman! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady said, 'Well now let's see, put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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