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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.08.20 07:33z 272 Lines 9399 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22929_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 4/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<I0BLC<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 200804/0537Z 22929@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A sun shiny shower won't last half an hour
----------
Quotes:-
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
-----
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he'll Neverland!
----
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at
2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building
Was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these
Circumstances, many drivers would just honk once.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their
Only means of transportation.. Unless a situation
Smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be
Someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail,
Elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across
The floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before
Me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat
With a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one
Had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered
With sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
Counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with
Photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to
The cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just
Try to treat my passengers the way I would want my
Mother treated'.
'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me
An address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have
Any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I
Don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the
Building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when
They were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a
Furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone
Dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner
And would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm
Tired. Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low
Building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that
Passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
Solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must
Have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door The woman was
Already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said.
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent
And gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind
Me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in
Thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to
End his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven
Away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important
in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others
may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT 'YOU DID,
OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people.
But, you might help make the world a little kinder and
more compassionate by sending it on.
Thank you, my friend...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as
well dance.
-----
Pickpocket
----------
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr.
Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum
Of £150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said,
"Your Honour, my client is a little short at this time. He has only £125 in
His pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
-------
AVOID A "GIRLS NIGHT OUT" AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem bothered at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, 'Oh damn.', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
---------------
Computer
--------
A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down
causes quite an inconvenience.
Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that
Sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
Limericks
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There once was a lawyer named Bender,
Who worked as a Public Defender.
But since his limo bumped into
A little Ford Pinto
He's referred to as Defender Bender.
There once was a boy name of Daniel,
Who bought a new Cocker Spaniel.
He didn't know how
To make it bow-wow
Because he never read the manual.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who found a small mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about!
Or everyone will want one of them, too!"
Cow
---
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a
Rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped
The car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone.
"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes
We keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the
young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow
in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow
Horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a Horse."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
Who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little
Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She
Called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station
Where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
Criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really WA s
The photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very
Badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his
Picture?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father
Moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
Rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing
That?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that
They are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said,
'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
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