| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.08.20 07:12z 322 Lines 10893 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22897_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 3/8
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 200803/0618Z 22897@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
---
The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
every bird watcher in the country.
-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
--------
Zen Thinking from Garfield
1. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me
For I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
Narrow. In fact just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead try missing
A couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have
Their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
He will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again it was probably
well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience and most of that comes from
bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
19. We are born naked wet and hungry and get slapped on our arse ...
Then things just get worse.
20. Never under any circumstance take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
Same night.
-------
DEFINITION OF A BARBECUE -
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
Volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
Into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on tray
Along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to
The man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
Burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while
He deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
Woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
Napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
Dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking
Efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
Just no pleasing some women
--------
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO
SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES"I'M BLOND I'M BEAUTIFUL I'M
GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND
WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE
WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES "I'M BLONDE I'M BEAUTIFUL I'M
GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER ear and
SHE SAYS "OH I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK
TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED
HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
================
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
One day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computer she dialled the
Employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes" whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult the boss asked "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message the boss asked
"Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child"a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman?" "no he's busy"whispered the child. "Busy doing
What?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the apiece
On the phone the boss asked "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the
Whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering the child answered "The search team just landed The hello-copper."
Alarmed concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Stupid Questions
----------------
- Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
- Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
- Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
- Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
- Crime doesn't pay ... Does that mean my job is a crime?
- Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep It?
- Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
- Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
- Do boxer shorts box?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Do fly's get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
- Do fish get thirsty?
------------------------
AFTER THE FEASTING IS OVER
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli cauliflower and spinach with
green yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And
Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found
so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and
combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh
green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the
side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said
"I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan
brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken
fried steak so big it needed its own platter and Man's cholesterol went through the roof. T
hen God brought forth the potato naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and
good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep
fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil
changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light
and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might
consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You
want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed ......... And created quadruple
by-pass surgery.
And then . Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Sexual content -
A mangetting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally
as a last hope the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says "I can cure this."
With that said he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with
billowing blue smoke.
Then the African medicine man says "This is powerful healing but you can only
use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"
The man then asks "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely
satisfied she has to say is '1234'and it will then go down. But be warned the pork
sword will not rise again for another whole year."
The old gent rushes home anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and suddenly he has
this huge erection just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for?"
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
