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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 31.07.20 06:32z 322 Lines 8745 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22767_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 31/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<I0BLC<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 200731/0608Z 22767@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A red evening and a grey morning sets the pilgrim walking
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Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
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I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off
a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle
of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and
Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee
AR in ned ov inr pis
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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car
by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 1008f
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two
to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
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I rather like this - particularly since I'm a Freemason ...Dave
A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,
'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of
the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large
pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to
be famished.
They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to
their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and
take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they
could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
the Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as
the first one.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the
Holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same
long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump,
laughing and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they
have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of
themselves.'
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started .
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
For my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got
disability, too'
And then the fight started .
--------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started .
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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started ..
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Sexual - but funny
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on
them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still
watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them
what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'
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