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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.07.20 06:02z 286 Lines 8038 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22710_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 29/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I3XTY<GB7COW<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200729/0557Z 22710@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Cloudy mornings turn to clear afternoons
-----------
Quotes:-
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
---
Elevators smell different to midgets
----
"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
--
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade.....'
--------
Sharing
-------
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road
In which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me
Have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the
Other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked,
"That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road.
Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I
Would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let
Me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
Security
--------
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
Private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of
The Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of
Three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now
Comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation
Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their
Initials in large white letters across their backs? "FATASS".
Rules
-----
I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local
Park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with
All the rules to his brother.
Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.
Go down the slide while sitting only.
Only one child on a swing at a time.
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I
Would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said
That they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them
Calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey
The rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch.
When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance
For a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I
Found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but
One. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first
Or backward.
Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted
Regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then I asked
The boys what they had to say for themselves.
My five year old answered immediately,
"Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore."
Tribute to Dr. Spooner
----------------------
The Bank Robber
Which reminds me of the fellow who robbed a bank, then booked luxury class
Passage on an ocean liner. In hot pursuit were two policemen. The first
Night at sea, they observed the miscreant hiding his ill gotten gains under
The tarpaulin of a lifeboat. One officer whispered to the other, "That's
What I call stowing in guile." (Don Hauptman)
On Safari
We were creeping through hostile jungle, well camouflaged. I was covered
With vines. My wife wore twigs. And so we pressed on bravely with sod on
Our guide. (Anthony Gray)
Gershwin
George Gershwin, vacationing on Cape Cod with several colleagues, couldn't
Decide whether to rehearse a composition or spend the afternoon cycling
Along the beach. "Which shall it be?" he asked his friends. "Do we get down
To work, or do we bike up the strand?" (Joseph Gelband)
Audubon
John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic traits of
Birds, raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a friend who
Inquired, "Bred any good rooks lately?" (Michael Deskey)
The Newsboy
In Moscow, people felt sorry for the urchin who trudged along, bent under
His heavy load of newspapers. But little Ivan held his head with pride,
Because, after all, he did have a clutch of Tass. (Mary Ann Miller)
The Lab Rat
The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform the
Assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered, and wended
His maze. (Nanette Jay)
The Padre
Father O'Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the man
Sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions. The priest
Bought a hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the talkative man. He passed
It along to Father O'Flaherty, who downed it in one gulp. This was the
First time a hot dog had ever gone from the prying fan into the friar.
Blenders
The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home blenders and
mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like
this: "When in the South, yu'all, be sure to come to see the famous
Dason Mixin' Line.
Filming in Greece
The famous film director, fighting a severe cold, was nevertheless on
location in Athens, determined to complete his movie. One scene at an
ancient ruin required so many takes that Milos soon developed laryngitis.
To this day, locals who worked on the set remember the director as the
hoarse Forman of the Acropolis. (Chris Doyle)
Travelers
When Horrace Greely said, "go west young man." he had to eat his words.
Many people tried to travel to the western states by rail road. The seats
on the rail cars were very small and many of the larger people had to stay
home. Thus the saying was born, "No west for the reary."
Borders
Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the
mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife spend
much of the year working on the borders of these streams, working hard to
keep the borders clear and clean. If there is anything she likes, it is to
weed a good brook. (Donald Hall)
Dear Abby
---------
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
---
The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)
admitted she was not sure if she should answer.
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
---
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for
two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
---
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?!
---
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and
he IS a doctor. What now?
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