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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.07.20 06:32z 298 Lines 8384 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22180_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 14/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<PE1RRR<N7HPX<GB7YEW
Sent: 200714/0615Z 22180@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Wells give murky water before rain
---
Palm Reading ;-
Artistic ventures highlighted. You will rob a museum.
--------
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you
wore home from the party and there aren't any.
----
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish. You would sue:
* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand into
the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls in there".
* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
cretin like yourself.
* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a
large cash settlement anyway.
-- Dave Barry
---
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there
were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took
one of the men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our
instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious.
I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried,
but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes,
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"The darn gun was loaded with blanks!
I had to beat him to death with the chair."
-------
Dinosaur
--------
Some tourists in the Museum are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of
Them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months
Old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
Age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
When I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!"
-------
Four men went to play golf.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse
to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a builder, and he is so successful he
gave a friend a new home for free.
Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line
dealership.
Heâ€Ös so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and
he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued,
"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a complete stock
portfolio!"
-------------------
Helpless
--------
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central
Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was
Horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his
Side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were
Turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was
Paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money
To buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man
On the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town
Specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach
Into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that
When I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
------------
Sexual content -
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive
Into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on
His back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and
Poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see.
Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
Want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
Relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I
Apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it
Was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
Him. I'll give him the three things I would want-a great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the
American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive
Into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy
Says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact,
that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally
Famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're
All right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game,
Ya know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win
Fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull
Out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and
says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to
know if I did good job. How many times a day? "
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish"
---------
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And
just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
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