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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   13.07.20 05:32z 317 Lines 9132 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22145_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 13/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<PE1RRR<GB7YEW
Sent: 200713/0522Z 22145@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Onion skins very thin, mild winter coming in
 
-------
Quotes:-

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain

--


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
 
------
 
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing
the thinking.
  -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
 
---
 
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what
you're taking for it...
 
----
 
 
A husband was in big trouble 
when he forgot his wedding 
anniversary.
 
His wife told him... "Tomorrow 
there better be something in 
the driveway for me that goes 
zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
 
The next morning the wife found 
a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand 
new bathroom scale.
 
Funeral arrangements for the 
husband have been set for Saturday.
 
 
 
------
 

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.
 
The man says, "Who is this?"
 
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
 
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
 
The woman says, "I was hired this morning 
by the lady of the house."
 
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. 
Is she there?"
 
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in 
the bedroom with someone who I figured 
was her husband."
 
The man is fuming and says to the maid, 
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
 
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
 
The man tells her, "I want you to get 
my gun from the desk, and shoot the 
witch and the jerk she's with."
 
The maid puts the phone down; the man 
hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
 
The maid comes back to the phone 
"What do I do with the bodies?"
 
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
 
Puzzled, the maid answers, 
"But you don't have a pool."
 
A long pause and the man says, 
"Is this 567-5309?"
 

-------
 

Waiter, Waiter
--------------
Waiter, Waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Yes sir, this is the very finest of French Restaurants.
Well, hop over to the kitchen and get me a plate of eggs.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there is a bee in my soup.
Yes sir, it is the fly's day off.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there is a spider in my soup.
Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Shhhhhh! Or everyone will want one!
 
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
 
Waiter, Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
 
Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir that's the soup!
 
Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir we serve anyone.
 
Waiter, Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
 
Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir the coffee tastes like glue.
 
Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
Three months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
 
Waiter, Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
 
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like the last time, please also bring me a hammer
and chisel.
 
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was.
 
Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.
 
Waiter, Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig.
I'll take it back, sir, and bring you some that is.
 
Waiter, Waiter, do I have to wait here until I die of starvation?
No sir, we close at six o'clock.
 
Waiter, Waiter, if this venison, I'm an idiot.
Yes sir, it is venison.
 
Waiter, Waiter, has the chef got pigs' feet?
I can't tell, sir. He's got his shoes on.
 
Waiter, Waiter, this soup is cold. Bring me some that's hot.
Do you want me to burn my thumb, sir?
 
Waiter, Waiter, this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.
Yes, sir, it has. But how did you know?
All the food tastes of soap.
 
Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir. We serve anybody.
 
Waiter, Waiter, there's only one piece of meat on my plate.
Just a moment, sir, and I'll cut it in two.
 
Waiter, Waiter, will the band play anything I request?
Yes, sir.
Well, tell them to play cards.
 
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb
over The meat.
"Are you crazy," yelled the customer, "coming here with your hand
on my Steak?"
"What?!" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
 
 
 
Wolf
----
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees
the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
 
"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
 
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched
behind a tree Stump.
 
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
 
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 kilometres down the
Road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
Behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little
Red Riding Hood.
 
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm
Trying to go to the toilet!"
 
 
 
How To Train A Cat
------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use
the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband
reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
 
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet.
Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him
a lesson.
 
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go
outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
 
 
 
Identity
--------
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She
gave a personal cheque in payment and said to the salesman, "I suppose you
will want some identification."
 
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
 
"How come?" asked the woman.
 
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," he answered.
 
===========
Slightly coarse -
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

.
 
British humour as it used to be, absolutely politically incorrect:
               
               
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use
water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing
powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
------------------------------ --------------------------       
Two  Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in
London. Police think  it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
------------------------------ --------------------------             
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of  improvements
------------------------------ --------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Birmingham killing anyone
who's English.
Police  fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
------------------------------ --------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
"But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works better!
------------------------------ --------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...They've told
the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. 
------------------------------ ---------------------------
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a  falling
tree. 
A  spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know
they were living up there".  
------------------------------ ---------------------------
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown
5 times a week now.  
------------------------------ ---------------------------
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
------------------------------ ---------------------------
I  was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him,  "What's up
Abdul, won't it start?"  
------------------------------ ---------------------------
An  Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Rotherham much to
the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her  dismissal.     
 It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed
and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet
Allah."To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on
the line"
 
 
 ---------
 
 
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth
and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
 


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