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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.02.19 09:00z 307 Lines 8803 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28622_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190224/0848Z 28622@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Spiders leave their webs when it is going to rain
(seen any spiders ?)
-------------
Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of
mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K?'
---------
Black and White? (Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop
eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board
with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to
get food poisoning. > Our school sandwiches were wrapped
in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers,
but I can't remember getting e.. coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at
the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair
of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training
athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light
reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't
recall any injuries but they must have happened because they
tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something
wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all
grew up to accept the rules and to
honour & respect those older than us.
We had 30+ kids in our class and we
all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all
the words needed to write a grammatically correct
letter......., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school and
sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after
school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We also learnt our times table by reciting them every day.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before
I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “King of the Hillö on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites
and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of
iodine and then we got our backside spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then
mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of
gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the
entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL
WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
------
Work
----
"Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your
Regular duties."
Electricity
-----------
Teacher: "What is actually used as a conductor of electricity?
Johnny: "Why...ER?"
Teacher: "Wire is right. Very good. Now tell me, what is the unit of
Electrical power?"
Johnny: "The what?"
Teacher: "That's absolutely correct, the watt. Now class, you should all
Study diligently, like Johnny here."
---------
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to
sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
-------
==========
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
Attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him
And his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
Both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help
me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
Hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you
Didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
Didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either."
************************************************
In 1923, Who Was. . .
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their
Days.
Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a
Pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson,went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
Die at home
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
Suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
Most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
So, what became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of
95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral here:
Forget work.
Play golf!
*******************************************
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up,
Looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
Speed--driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
Want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
*************************************************
Historical Application
----------------------
Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary
qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will
impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a
successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he
is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of
Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of
study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon
as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously
pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices
pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits,
Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your
partners?"
Success
-------
The road to success is marked with many tempting parking spaces.
********************************************
Sexual
************************************************
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you
To entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning,"
he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when
the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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