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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.07.20 06:32z 234 Lines 5955 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22108_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 12/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 200712/0609Z 22108@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If salt is sticky and gains in weight, it will rain before too late
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Quotes:-
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is
merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably
the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the
fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of
the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and
nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet
is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was
threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive,
Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always
to add the flea--and put him at the head of the procession.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
---
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen
der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht
fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands
in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
---
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
----
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does !
____________ _________ ________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________ _________ ________
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous
Blonde on his arm. “Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an
Absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on,
The furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
“Ah, Sir, that particular fur goes for £165,000.”
“No problem! I'll write you a cheque”
“Very good, Sir.” says the shop owner, “Today is Saturday. You may
Come by on Monday to pick it up, after the cheque has cleared.”
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: “How dare you show your face in
Here?! There wasn't a single penny in your cheque account!!”
“Yes, sorry about that but I just had to come by,” grinned the guy,
“to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”
***
THE RABBIT
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
Across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
Pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
Sees a man crying on the side of the road
And pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit
And killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,
And sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
And hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
Hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats
This again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(it's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
===========
Sexual -
Subject: a Dirty Joke
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
Staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting
On a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in
The middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that
They were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his
Assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it
Depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a
Predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the
Pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
Experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said:
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
The gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's
No African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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