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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.07.20 06:32z 334 Lines 10712 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21850_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 4/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I3XTY<GB7COW<GB7YEW
Sent: 200704/0553Z 21850@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
In July, shear your rye
-------
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
--
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my
Customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked
Away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians.
"What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly did he play?"
Patient
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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
Wheelchair, just before his operation. The head nurse stopped him and
Asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
Worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
The head nurse said, "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so
Frightening about that?"
The patient said, "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to my
Surgeon!"
..........
For your consideration, some of the most expensive catastrophes in History
# 11. Titanic - $150 Million: The sinking of the Titanic is possibly the
Most famous accident in the world. But it barely makes our list of top 10
Most expensive. On April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank on its maiden voyage
And was considered to be the most luxurious ocean liner ever built. Over
1,500 people lost their lives when the ship ran into an iceberg and sunk
In frigid waters. The ship cost $7 million to build ($150 million in
today's dollars).
# 10. Tanker Truck vs Bridge - $358 Million
On August 26, 2004, a car collided with a tanker truck containing 32,000
Litres of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany . The tanker crashed
Through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4 Autobahn resulting in a
Huge explosion and fire which destroyed the load-bearing ability of the
Bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and the cost to replace the
Bridge is estimated at $318 Million.
# 9. MetroLink Crash - $500 Million
On September 12, 2008, in what was one of the worst train crashes in
California history, 25 people were killed when a metro link commuter train
Crashed head-on into a Union Pacific freight train in Los Angeles . It is
Thought that the metro link train may have run through a red signal while
The conductor was busy text messaging. Wrongful death lawsuits are
Expected to cause $500 million in losses for metro link.
# 8. B-2 Bomber Crash - $1.4 Billion
Here we have our first billion dollar accident (and we're only #8 on the
List). A USAF B-2 stealth bomber crashed shortly after taking off from an
Air base in Guam on February 23, 2008. Investigators blamed distorted data
In the flight control computers caused by moisture in the system.
This resulted in the aircraft making a sudden nose-up move which made the
B-2 stall and crash. This was 1 of only 21 ever built and was the most
Expensive aviation accident in history. Both pilots were able to eject to
Safety.
# 7. Exxon Valdez - $2.5 Billion
The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in relation to the world's
Biggest oil spills, but it was a costly one due to the remote location of
Prince William Sound (accessible only by helicopter and boat). On March
24, 1989, 10.8 million gallons of oil was spilled when the ship's master,
Joseph Hazelwood, left the controls and the ship crashed into a Reef. The
Cleanup cost Exxon $2.5 billion.
# 6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 Billion
The world ' s worst off-shore oil disaster. At one time, it was the
world's single largest oil producer, spewing out 31,000 barrels of oil per
Day.
On July 6, 1988, as part of routine maintenance, technicians removed and
checked safety valves which were essential in preventing dangerous
build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical safety valves which were
checked. Unfortunately, the technicians made a mistake and forgot to
replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night, a technician pressed a
start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world's most expensive oil
rig accident was set in motion. Within 2 hours, the 300 foot platform was
engulfed in flames. It eventually collapsed, killing 167 workers and
resulting in $3.4 Billion in damages.
# 5. Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion
The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73 seconds after takeoff due on
January 28, 1986 due to a faulty O-ring. It failed to seal one of the
joints, allowing pressurized gas to reach the outside. This in turn caused
the external tank to dump its payload of liquid hydrogen causing a massive
explosion. The cost of replacing the Space Shuttle was $2 billion in 1986
($4.5 billion in today's dollars). The cost of investigation, problem
correction, and replacement of lost equipment cost $450 million from
1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today's dollars).
# 4. Prestige Oil Spill - $12 Billion
On November 13, 2002, the Prestige oil tanker was carrying 77,000 tons of
heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst during a storm off
Galicia , Spain . Fearing that the ship would sink, the captain called for
help from Spanish rescue workers, expecting them to take the ship into
harbour. However, pressure from local authorities forced the captain to
steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get help from the
French and Portuguese authorities, but they too ordered the ship away from
their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the ship resulting in
the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million gallons oil into the
sea. According to a report by the Pontevedra Economist Board, the total
cleanup cost $12 billion.
# 3. Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion
The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first space-worthy shuttle in NASA's
orbital fleet. It was destroyed during re-entry over Texas on February 1,
2003 after a hole was punctured in one of the wings during launch 16 days
earlier. The original cost of the shuttle was $2 Billion in 1978. That
comes out to $6.3 Billion in today ' s dollars. $500 million was spent on
the investigation, making it the costliest aircraft accident investigation
in history. The search and recovery of debris cost $300 million.
In the end, the total cost of the accident (not including replacement of
the shuttle) came out to $13 Billion according to the American Institute
of Aeronautics and Astronautics.
# 2. Chernobyl - $200 Billion
On April 26, 1986, the world witnessed the costliest accident in history.
The Chernobyl disaster has been called the biggest socio-economic
catastrophe in peacetime history. 508f the area of Ukraine is in some
way contaminated. Over 200,000 people had to be evacuated and resettled
while 1.7 million people were directly affected by the disaster. The death
toll attributed to Chernobyl , including people who died from cancer years
later, is estimated at 125,000. The total costs including cleanup,
resettlement, and compensation to victims has been estimated to be roughly
$200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the Chernobyl nuclear
plant will cost $2 billion alone. The accident was officially attributed
to power plant operators who violated plant procedures and were ignorant
of the safety requirements needed.
# 1. Gordon Brown - $300 Billion. Since he came to power Gordon Brown has
spent 300 Billion with soaring public spending, together with propping up
the banks the ailing economy which he also presided over as Chancellor.
The Key To A Long Life
----------------------
Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented
Him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell
You the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day
After day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his
Rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding
Night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was
Proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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Signs
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Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
On a Septic Tank Truck sign
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
Pizza Shop Slogan
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
Action."
On a Maternity Room door
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room
"Be back in 5 minutes Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sudden Trip
-----------
My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon
Became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his
Employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel.
We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other
Necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us
Toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies.
The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned
haughtily, "Matching luggage?"
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