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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.07.20 06:32z 198 Lines 6379 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21813_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 3/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<PE1RRR<KB8UVN<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 200703/0616Z 21813@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the forest murmurs and the mountain roars, then close your
windows and shut your doors
------
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident
and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for
nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...
he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name!
I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
-------------
German scientists dug 50 metres down and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient
Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered
their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down. They found small pieces
of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago
already had a nation-wide fibre net.
American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 metres down and found
absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years
ago had cellphones.
------
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,
stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
-----
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the
Security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the
Base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around
And flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
Announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for
Takeoff."
Christian
---------
A Christian once visited a farmer to talk to him about Christ. "I wouldn't
Come to church up there." the farmer said. "I know old so and so (insert a
Name) church goer who claims to be a Christian and So and So (insert
Another name) church goer who claims to be a Christian and they don't live
Any differently from me. I'm as good as they are."
Everywhere the farmer went he told about the hypocrites in that Church.
Months passed and the Christian went to see the farmer again. "I want to
Buy a hog", said the Christian. The farmer showed all his best hogs to him.
Then they came to the runt. "I believe I will take that one" the, Christian
Said.
The farmer replied, "BUT you don't want that one. He's the worst runt to
The litter." "I sure do" said the Christian. So they loaded the runt in the
Truck.
"Now" said the Christian, "what if I take this pig here from your farm and
Ride all over this area telling folks that this is the kind of hogs you
Raise?" "That's not fair!" the farmer exclaimed. "I have some nice hogs and
You want to show people that runt?!"
The Christian replied, "If it's fair for the church it's fair for the farm!"
Priest
------
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young
Man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII
And spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in
1943 and he lost his left arm.
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual
Aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest,
Serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his
Handicap) to villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a
Silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to
Administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft
Collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries,
Including the loss of his right eye.
The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long
Condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a
Scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend
To the Papacy.
No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
------------
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
Little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a (Plymouth?) Fury.
David 's Triumph was heard
Throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were
all in one Accord. Plus Jesus
Rode into Jerusalem on a (Mitsubishi?) Colt
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
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