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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.02.19 07:00z 292 Lines 9291 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28578_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 23/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190223/0651Z 28578@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If cumulus clouds are smaller at sunset than at noon, expect fair weather
-----
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even
Higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road."
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
Shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
Been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
Splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
-------------
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
By Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Police Department's Office Answering Machine
--------------------------------------------
Hello, you have reached the Police Department's Voice Mail. Pay close
Attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual
Circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options...
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created
Yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about
a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying
To keep your neighbourhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life and needs due to your
Chemical dependency or alcoholism, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took
Years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take
Enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to
Proclaim our career is over, press 8.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support.
Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day. And we
Mean that in a good way...
Marriage Is...
--------------
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
Chopsticks...it looks easy until you try it.
Entomologist Tenure
-------------------
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a
Promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a
Problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were
Always packed, and two years ago he was honoured by the undergraduates
by being named their favourite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research
Project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three
Years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
Particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants
Would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the
Dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be
Renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
Entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over
So that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been
Effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his
Roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
Parasite. But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order
Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants. He
Examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of
Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several
Specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigour. He examined the insects
In detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of
Insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by
The American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his
Most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new
Species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
---------
Here's a mood changer. And I send it with all sincerity to lighten the mood.
Corporate exercises
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the wall
04) Swallowing your pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing your weight around
07) Dragging your heels
08) Pushing your luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and
26) Exercise caution.
-------------
Sexual contenet -
Olaf Svensen, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick-kick
from a cow, right in the crotch. Writhing in pain and agony, he fell to the ground. As
soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it
Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -
- in every vay."
The doctor told him, " Olaf , I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to let it heal, and
keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped
it all together, quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon
to McIntosh. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: " Olaf , you're the first vun. No vun has EVER
seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena, still in DA CRATE!"
-------------
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father,I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter .
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
This may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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