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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.02.19 16:25z 268 Lines 9341 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25688_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 2/1
Path: HB9ON<HB9ON<HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<N9PMO<ZS0MEE<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190102/0732Z 25688@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16
As Grandmother used to say
If there's thunder during Christmas week, the winter will be anything but meek
-----
A Nun Grading Papers
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING
THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT
FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE
WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED
OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED
OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S
WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS
CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL
OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY
BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS,
MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT
THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA
LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS
SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE
LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED I
N BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG
THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY
FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO
OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN
DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED
TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY,
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
--------
With Thanks To The Crew Of Alaska Air Flight 438
"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going
To San Francisco you're in the right place. If you're not going to San
Francisco you're about to have a really long evening.
"We'd like to tell you about some important safety features of this
Aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is
... The flight attendants. Please look at one now.
"There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front two over the
Wings and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the
Exit rows please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a
Really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
Exit. In the event the need arises to find one trust me you'll be glad
You did.
"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
Down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight
Attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate but there's oxygen there promise.
"If you are sitting next to a small child or someone who is acting like a
Small child please do us all a favour and put on your mask first. If you
Are traveling with two or more children please take a moment now to decide
Which one is your favourite. Help that one first then work your way down.
"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features
Of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal
Summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take
It out and play with it now.
"Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
Tight about your waist. To fasten the belt insert the metal tab into the
Buckle. To release it's a pull-y thing and not a push-y thing like your
Car because - HELLO - you're in an airplane.
"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. We do have two smoking
Sections however one outside each wing exit. There is also a movie
Playing in the smoking sections tonight ... Hold on let me check what it
Is ... Oh here it is the movie tonight is 'Gone With the Wind.'
"In a moment we'll be turning off the cabin lights and it's going to get
Really dark really fast. If you're afraid of the dark now would be a good
Time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on
The reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
Absolutely have to the orange button is your ejection seat.
"If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable please don't
Hesitate to ask. Now if you weren't all strapped down you'd have given me
A standing ovation wouldn't you?"
After landing...
"Welcome to San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy
Landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's
The asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At
No time in history has a passenger beaten the plane to the gate so please
Don't even try."
(...more...)
1. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
Minutes earlier.
2. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
Of take offs you've made.
3. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately
No one knows what they are.
4. Helicopters can't fly they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
5. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately the experience
Usually comes from bad judgment.
6. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as
Possible.
7. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
8. Remember gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
Subject to repeal.
9. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you runway
behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
10. The pilot is always first to arrive at the crash!!
------------------
Sexual nature - do not go below ..........
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
Group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe
In the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.A young
Family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day 'Oz'
And a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the
Empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
Interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
Workers. She hung around and eventually the builders all with hearts of
Gold more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At
the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the
cashier was tickled pink listening to the fact she had a 'pay packet'."You
must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The
little girl proudly replied"I worked all last week with the men building a
big house." "My goodness gracious" said the cashier"Will you be working
on the house again this weekas well?" The little girl thought for a moment
and said"I think so. Provided those bas*****s at Jewsons deliver the
f**king bricks.
-----------
Two men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! Two asses they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" she retorted
ndignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
"Hey coola down lady" said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella "Mississippi'."
73 de dave
gm3yew'gb7yew
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