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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.02.19 08:53z 362 Lines 11975 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28472_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 20/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0IUZ<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190220/0847Z 28472@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Snow is due when the cat washes behind both ears
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-----
In these PC times, it's a long time since I've seen an Englishman,
Irishman and Scotsman joke. They've become a bit passe. This one raised a
Little smile, so I thought I'd share it:
After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists
Found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the
Conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
Than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, English scientists dug to a depth of 20
Metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read:
'English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old copper wire and
Have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
Communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.'
One week later, 'The Kerryman,' Irish newsletter, reported the
Following:
'After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy
O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Paddy has therefore concluded that 3000 years ago Ireland had already gone
Wireless.
-----------------
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
Naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
Back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
Dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
Garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
And came out with MY toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
Little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
Toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
His mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
Necessarily those of his parents.
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
Her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
The phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
She added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
Hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
Room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
Towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
Asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various
Appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs,
Unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
Teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
Questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never
Believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
Father donning a tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not darling?". "You know that it always gives you a headache the
Next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
My time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
Won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
Through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
Up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
Pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
" What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear."
--------
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day...
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
------------
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
You love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a
Thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I
Bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light
At a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He
Is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing
Someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
Noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
The nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his
Window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
Cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
Waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
Been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something
About a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his
Middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the
Back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign
Or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
Gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
Experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
They got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and
Brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
Light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
All the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
Window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
Drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
-----------
Murder at Coles
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary. A "friend of a friend"
put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of
Artie.
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount
but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The husband opened up his wallet, displaying nothing! The husband dove into
his jeans pocket and found a dollar coin. He showed it to Artie, who sighed,
rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles
Supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her
last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle
the Manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras
and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And
that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-
You're going to hate me for this
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT COLES!"
-------------
Sexual content -
A middle-aged woman decides that she would like to have a face-lift, so she
finds herself a good plastic surgeon and schedules an appointment.
She goes to her appointment with the plastic surgeon who says, "Ma'am, how
can I help you today?"
The lady says, "Doc, I think I'm ready for a face-lift. I think it would really
help my self-esteem."
The doctor says, "Well, you're in luck! We have this new procedure called
'The Knob'."
"What is 'The Knob'?" the lady asked.
The doctor explained, "'The Knob' is a new innovative procedure where we
insert a knob at the top of your head. Every so often, whenever you feel you
need a little face-lift, you give the knob a twist and you have yourself a brand-
new face-lift. You never have a need to ever have another face-lift."
The lady exclaimed, "Well that's just pure genius! Sign me up for 'The Knob'
procedure."
So she had the surgery and went home. Over the years, she happily enjoyed
her new-found youth. She would twist that knob occasionally whenever she
saw a wrinkle or two pop up and would have a brand-new face lift every time
she would twist it. She felt so young and vibrant and was thrilled at how easy
and convenient 'The Knob' had proved to be.
After about 15 years, she returns to the plastic surgeon. She walks into his
office and the doctor says, "What can I do for you today, ma'am?"
The lady says, "Well, I have been VERY happy with this device that you inserted
that allows for me to always have a fresh face-lift. I have felt young and vibrant
and look far younger than I really am."
"So what is your concern today?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I have two things." the lady explained.
"Yes?" the doctor prodded.
"Well," she continued, "lately I haven't been able to get rid of these bags under my
eyes."
The doctor looked straight at her and explained, "Ma'am, those aren't bags under
your eyes. Those are your breasts."
With a disappointed look on her face, she reluctantly said, "Well, then I guess I don't
need to ask about the gotee beard !"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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