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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.02.19 07:00z 222 Lines 7036 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28406_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 19/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0IUZ<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<
N9PMO<VE3UIL<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190219/0653Z 28406@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
------
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like
you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage
disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis
is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"Didn't you say he was 13?"
-------
A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over and says "sorry
Mate but you have yellow 24 a nasty virus so called as it turns your
Blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do
For you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to wife and breaks the news. Distraught she asks
Him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea
Of a night out as he's never been there before.
He gets his 1st card and wins 4 corners - prize £350 and then gets any
Line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand.
The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380000.
The bingo Caller gets him on stage and says "son - I've never seen you
In here in all my life but you won 4 corners any line full house and
The national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."
"Lucky??" he screamed "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."
"Goodness me" says the bingo caller" You've won the raffle as well"!
---------------
HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
. Then analyse the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the accounting department.
B. If they are recounting them put them in auditing.
C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks put them in engineering.
D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in planning.
E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in operations.
F. If they are sleeping put them in security.
G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces put them in information technology.
H. If they are sitting idle put them in human resources.
I. If they say they have tried different combinations they are looking for more yet
not a brick has been moved put them in sales.
J. If they have already left for the day put them in marketing.
K. If they are staring out of the window put them in strategic planning.
L. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved
congratulate them and put them in top management .
Finally if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they
can neither be seen nor heard from put them in Parliament .
-------
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
One night and of course his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
Cop pulls him over.
"So" says the cop to the driver where have ya been?"
"Why I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well" says the cop "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right" the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know" says the cop standing straight and folding his arms across
His chest" that a few intersections back your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh thank heavens" sighs the drunk. "For a minute there I thought I'd gone deaf."
----------
Top Ten Things To Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
10.) "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9.) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management
course you sent me to."
8.) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7.) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the Mission Statement and envisioning
a new business strategy."
6.) "It's true what they say about all that harmful radiation that these monitors put
out. My eyes started stinging and I got real dizzy."
5.) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are
you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4.) "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that
big control of infectious disease problem."
3.) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your
ear down real close?"
2.) "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST
1.) Just raise your head slowly and say" . . . In Jesus' name Amen."
--------------
Sexual content -
----------
The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out
with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you
the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!! !!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
------
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling his nose is broken his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with
a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight" says Paddy.
"That little shit O'Conner" says Sean"He couldn't do that to you he must have had something
in his hand."
"That he did" says Paddy"a shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well" says Sean"You should have defended yourself didn't you have something in your hand?
"That I did" said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was but useless in
a fight."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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