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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.02.19 09:04z 251 Lines 7157 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say
When the night goes to bed with a fever, it will awake with a wet head
----
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
------
Eyesight
--------
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defence lawyer asks Sam"Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes" said Sam"I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again"Sam this happened at night. Are you sure you
Saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam"I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam"Sam listen you are 80 years old and your
Eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
A Flight To Chicago
-------------------
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on
Central Standard time Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a
Plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m." a ticket agent said"and arrives in
Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired "Do you want a reservation?"
"No" said Bob "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
Dog Food?
---------
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for LittleCookie and Lucky
And was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse I told her no I was
Starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd
Ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
Awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
Orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I
Told her that it was an easy inexpensive diet and the way it works is to
Load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
Every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
Complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
Enthralled with my story particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrifiedshe asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
That why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no - I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit
Me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
-----------
Puzzle
------
A man is walking down a road with a basket of eggs. As he is walking he
Meets someone who buys one-half of his eggs plus one-half of an egg. He
Walks a little further and meets another person who buys one-half of his
Eggs plus one-half of an egg. After proceeding further he meets another
Person who buys one-half of his eggs plus one half an egg. At this point he
Has sold all of his egg sand he never broke an egg. How many eggs did the
Man have to start with?
_________________________________________
SCROLL DOWN TO FIND THE SOLUTION
_________________________________________
Answer:
7 eggs. The first person bought one half of his eggs plus one half an egg
(3 1/2 + 1/2 = 4 eggs) This left him 3 eggs. The second person bought
One-half of his eggs plus one half an egg(1 1/2 + 1/2 = 2 eggs) leaving
The man 1 egg. The last person bought one-half of his eggs plus one-half an
Egg(1/2 + 1/2 = 1 egg) leaving no eggs.
-----------------
A Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A ball White And dimpled Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does appear This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its spell I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell
.My Life Has Not Been Quite The same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On end a Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me yell Curse And cry I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called par If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny ball Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball refuses And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And SlicesDribblesAnd dies And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have AWhimTo Hit A Tree Or ! Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To land It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My soul If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like APupAnd Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My SorrowBut The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drinkon average22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That meanson averagegolfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
Sexual content
If Scotland gains its independence after the next referendum, the remainder of the
United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F.U.K.)
In a bid to discourage Scots from voting yes in the referendum, Lib Dems have now
begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote No For FUK's sake!"
They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this, particularly those in Glasgow .
-------------
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they a
re immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there
are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears
rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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