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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.02.19 07:27z 270 Lines 7576 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 28065_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 12/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190212/0720Z 28065@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Birds flying low, Expect rain and a blow
------
The Broker
----------
This high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office flipped
on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary"Miss hunter get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying"Yes
sir stock or pawn!"
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb
-------------------------------------------------
AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?
AMERICAN BULLDOG: LIGHT BULB! We don't change no steenking light bulbs!!
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the
Chair...
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
DALMATIAN: Just one but it will really hate the new bulb.
GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. So who cares?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one but it will put in a really dim bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is the longer I can sleep.
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed and pet me while he's
Busy.
MASTIFF: Zero! Mastiff's aren't afraid of the dark!
POINTER: I see it there it is there it is there it is right
There........
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
SHI-TZU: Puh-leeze dah-ling. Let the servants.
SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Golf
----
Two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf
Bag to get a ball and says to his friend"hey why don't you try this
Ball?"
He draws a yellow and green golf ball out of his bag.
"You can't lose it."
His friend replies"What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies"I'm serious you can't lose it. If you hit it into
The woods it makes a beeping sound if you hit it into the water it
Produces bubbles and if you hit it on the fairway smoke comes so you can
See exactly where it is!"
Obviously his friend doesn't believe him but he continues to describe to
Him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says"okay Okay you've convinced me. Let me try it."
He hits his shot into the woods and sure enough the ball starts beeping and he
finds it in a heartbeat.
"Wow! That's incredible!" he says. "I gotta get one of these where can I
Get one?!"
"I don't know."
"You don't know!!?? What do you mean you don't know!? How could you not
know? How did you get it then?"
"I found it."
Phone
-----
Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the
telephone was ringing. At this hour it was probably for him she said closing her eyes.
Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned his wife
was asleep. He woke her. "Wasn't for me after all" he
said. She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe and was half way to the
door when he thought to add "It was a wrong number."
If Darwin Was Correct...
------------------------
If Darwin's theory of Evolution was correct shouldn't cats be able to
Operate can-openers by now?
----------
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station,
leaned over to ask the driver
a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and
stopped just inches from a large
plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent
in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said, "Are you OK?
I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I
didn't realize that a mere tap on
the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my very first day
driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
----------
Signs It May Be Time For A New Car
----------------------------------
You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view of the road through
The hole in your floorboard will soon be popular on *every* car.
When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt washes off.
Your tax advisor has suggested that you could save money by buying your own tow truck.
Your Vehicle Identification Number is 00000000000001.
You lose the "stop light challenge" to a 14-year old on a Moped.
A 15-minute oil change takes three days.
When you get your bill from the repair shop you notice that "Duct Tape" is
One of the items on the invoice.
While waiting for the light to change people run up and ask if anyone was
Hurt in the accident.
Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name in their morning
Reports.
Your passenger seat is on the register of National Historic Places.
(Some Of) The Wit And Wisdom Of Terry Pratchett
-----------------------------------------------
"He blew the dust off the horn and put it to his lips achieving a sound
Like the ghost of a refried bean."
"His mind wandered so far it came back with souvenirs."
"Brother Preptilthe master of the music had described Brutha's voice as
Putting him in mind of a disappointed vulture arriving too late at the dead
Donkey."
"This was music that not only had escaped but had robbed a bank on the way out."
"In any normal societyhe would have been considered more unglued than a
Used stamp in a downpour."
"They looked at one another in incomprehensiontwo minds driving the wrong way
up a narrow street and waiting for the other man to reverse first."
"...he'd hammered the nails in and glued the strings to them. But this
wasn't too much of a problembecause Crash himself had the musical talent
of a blocked nostril."
"The other musicians around them wereit was truequite bad. But that's
all they were. They didn't have a drummer who missed the drums or a bass
player with the same natural rhythm as a traffic accident."
[selected from "Soul Music" and "Small Gods" by Terry Pratchett]
-------------
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends
when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome,
extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman
could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before
she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered
to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... On one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed
into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately
into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and
meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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