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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 10.02.19 08:42z 230 Lines 6129 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27999_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 10/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0EEO<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<OK2PEN<GB7CIP<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190210/0836Z 27999@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When sounds travel far and wide, a stormy day will betide
-----
I really like this one ....
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
Surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
Now. The Man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
Photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good Morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to
Explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
You know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
Have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
The couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
Room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
And me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
We try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
Angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
Be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
That."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
His baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
Their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
The job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
Get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
Amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
Concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
Had to pack it all in".
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
Your, um,..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
And we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
Much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Dollar Math
-----------
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
Dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
Critics
-------
"Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost
What it feels about dogs."
--John Osborne
Top Ten Things To Do While Stuck In Traffic
-------------------------------------------
10 Play the exciting game "Does My Head Fit In The Glove Compartment?"
9 Roll down window, ask person next to you, "Is this the line for Pokemon?"
8 Honk your horn -- that always helps to get things moving.
7 Call police, report stolen car, give license plate of car in front of you.
6 Imagine you're in line of cars waiting to run over Donald Trump.
5 Turn on wipers, have "race" to see which one goes faster.
4 Walk up to guy in car ahead of you, ask him about his grandson.
3 Use jumper cables to resuscitate roadkill.
2 Plow into a couple of those dorky new VW Beetles.
1 Check beverage holder for Y2K compatibility.
Iraq
----
"I think we should divide Iraq into three parts:
Regular, Unleaded and Premium."
A Somalian arrived in Croydon as a new immigrant to the United
Kingdom.
He stopped the first person he saw walking down the street and said:
Thank you, Mr. Englishman for letting me into this country! "
The passer-by replied: "You are mistaken, I am from Pakistan."
The man continued and encountered another passer-by. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in Britain! "
The person retorted: "I no Blitish, I flom Hong Kong."
The new arrival walked further, and the next person he saw he stopped,
shook his hand and said: "Thank you for the wonderful Britain! "
The startled man said: "I am from Iran; I am not British! "
He finally spotted a nice-looking lady and asked suspiciously: "
Are you a British citizen? "
No", she replied, "I am from Romania. "
He was puzzled and asked her: "Where are all the British? "
The Romanian lady looked at her watch, shrugged and said:
Probably at work."
-------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
-------------
Bad language
London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio.
(You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the
cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he
must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music,
especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened
the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss
off and wait for a camel.."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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