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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.04.20 09:04z 183 Lines 6733 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 18100_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 7/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IK1NHL<CX2SA<PE1RRR<K5DAT<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200407/0539Z 18100@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If fleecy white clouds cover the heavenly way, no rain should mar
your plans that day.
------
Thought for the day
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it
can still be changed today.
------
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers
strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she
explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black
suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The
undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the
bodies in black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she
returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his
funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she
manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart
blue suit. She says to the undertaker 'Wonderful, wonderful, but where did
you get that beautiful blue suit?'
'Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size
was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she
was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,' the
undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, 'After that,
it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.'
-------
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to
read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his
best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it
again!'
------
New Interest
------------
Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones'
Lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business,"
Whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"
"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"
Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting
Tiny garments!"
Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said
Smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running
Around with boys!"
Dangerous Dog
-------------
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading,
"Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a
Harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He
Asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look
Like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
Tripping over him."
Mouse
-----
There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the
Mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The
Little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.
While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog
Barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where
There is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my
Walk."
So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed
The mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great
To be bilingual!"
Aging
------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
Under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old
Now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
Do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
THE BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
Death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all
Of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Is, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
There, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
Bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
Can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
Meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
Up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
But, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees
"Ees, a Ham Bush"
---------
SOMETHING HERE FOR ALL OF US TO TAKE NOTE.!!!
The Great Lao-Tsu is reported to have once said "It is only when
you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is
always a way to solve problems without using violence . " Amen to
that.
Not Strictly PC!
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. The Policeman says
“Do you know the limit is 70?”
The driver leans into the back and says:
“Hear that? 3 of you have to get out!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night.
Every little helps.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them.
“BOLLOCKS to that” said Paddy
“Thats the last time I go lion dancing”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack:
a bunk bed collapsed.
(The police are blaming AL-IKEA)
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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