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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.03.20 07:12z 184 Lines 4526 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 17807_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 20/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<OK2PEN<VE3CGR<VA3HRA<GB7YEW
Sent: 200330/0613Z 17807@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Three days rain will empty any sky
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
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Acknowledgement "SUNDAY TIMES".
8) My therapist says," Your OCD is irrational." My Government says,"Wash your hands 19 times a day or you'll DIE."
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out grabs it out of the air and
hands it back.
'Oh my I am so sorry' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk they laugh she shares her deepest
dreams and
He shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful
wonderful time.
The next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know' he said' you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?'
'No' she replies. . .
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
(Oh shut up and just forward it!)
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A good Muslim dies and arrives in Heaven - He is very excited as all his life
he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates
of Heaven he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up' and he points him to a ladder
that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than peter he climbed the ladder in
great strides. He meets another bearded man. Full of hope he asks again' Are
you Mohammed?'
'No I am Moses. Mohammed is higher up still.'
Mohammed higher than Moses! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and
climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again he meets a man with a beard and repeats
his question: 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and yet again
he meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now totally
out of breath from all his climbing.
'No my son I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'
'Yes please my Lord.'
God looks behind him claps his hands and calls out: 'Mohammed two
coffees please.
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A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"no that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"no I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was
raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward
them.
"Let's not fight about it" the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's
officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached the man said: "Tell us Comrade Rudolph is it officially
raining or snowing?"
"It's raining of course" he replied and walked on.
But the woman insisted "I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
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sexual
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty
female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised
slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins,
"One....
two…
three…"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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