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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.02.19 07:32z 242 Lines 7412 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27859_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 8/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190208/0726Z 27859@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Snowy winter - Long spring, rainy summer
-----
Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told
him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his
shell suit.
Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning
his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair
of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by
"See ma new trainers? Stonkin, he?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine
pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?
Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing
lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the
wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction,
Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to
read.
"There y'are! It clearly says .
Scroll Down..........
… TAIWAN !!!
The Desert Crossing
-------------------
It was a summer night in 1942 when we landed in a small inlet on the coast of the
Red Sea. Our orders were clear. Dressed as Bedouins we were to cross the
Arabian Desert to meet our contacts near the Nile where we were to obtain
vital information regarding Rommel's forces.
We were given a map showing each rivulet and creek as we could carry only a
limited amount of water. We had to travel primarily at night because of the extreme
heat. Each time we reached another creek on the map, we would find only a wadi,
totally dry this time of the year.
In spite of extreme thirst and dehydration, we finally staggered to our assigned
destination where we were met by Arab nomads loyal to the Allied cause.
We explained that we had crossed the desert without water as every river bed
was dry.
"Of course," we were told, "you went from one ex-stream to another."
In Computer Heaven And Hell
---------------------------
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
The World
---------
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some
Old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the
Army Reserves.
"Daddy, were you in a war?"
"Yes," I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against what planet?"
-------
Strictly speaking, in the UK, with new legislation on ageism, we're not
Supposed to stereotype people on the grounds of age, be they young or old.
But since with the "greying" of amateur radio, anyone under 65 is quite
Young nowadays, and since I've passed that milestone, I'm old/oldish, so
I guess a few ageist jokes about my own peer group won't matter too much.
On that basis, here goes, with apologies if they've done the rounds on
Packet already:
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
Sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
Stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
Harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing
That is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
Suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bob - a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who
Knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
Buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner
Him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to
Marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What - did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says; "No, I told her I was 90."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A group of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce." ; She then asked, "What do you do in America with your
old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered; "They send us on bus tours!"
--------
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't
even have to like 'em!
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots
back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. because
she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going
upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we
drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her
backside with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
--------------------
Sexual nature below
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply."Not tonight, dear. I have a headache,"
answered his wife.
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates
and explained that he wanted to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but
each time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around
their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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