| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.02.19 08:53z 299 Lines 10051 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27842_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 7/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190207/0850Z 27842@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Catchy drawer and sticky door, coming rain will pour and pour
-----------
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
Church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied...
"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
-----------
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive
things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper
on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.
The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper
"carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and
promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks
from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
--------
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up'
the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in
desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For
a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer..
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything
I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
. -----
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for orphans.
I told him to bugger off - with my luck I'd probably win one
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show,
a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour then I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It does everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot."
Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said "Yes"; 11% said "No"; 72% said "I am not understanding the question
please."
Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake at his wedding
Prince Philip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
-----------
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the London
immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes since you just
arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want
new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless
grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in knights
bridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live
in my country. I want to bring them all over here’.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a
long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an up market neighbourhood.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of manjams,
and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like an Englishman’.
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt and baseball
cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!
-------------------
TIMELESS QUOTES .....
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion: that one useless man is a shame, two is a law
firm and three or more is a congress. ~ John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are
misinformed. ~ Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat
myself. ~ Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ~ Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ~ George
Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. ~ G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
~ James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people
in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey,
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ~ P.J.
O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of
everybody else. ~ Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ~ Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ~ Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! ~ P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of
the citizens to give to the other. ~ Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in
you! ~ Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ~ Mark Twain (1866 )
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. ~ Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility
at the other. ~ Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism
is the equal sharing of misery. ~ Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. ~
Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ~
Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class ... save Congress. ~ Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. ~ Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
~ Thomas Jefferson
------------------
Sexual nature -
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man - and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked : "How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
---------------
It's Hell Getting Old
An OLD man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the Examination Room, he says, 'I'll need a urine sample,
a stool sample, and a sperm sample'.
The old man, being hard-of-hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What the hell did
he say?!'
The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underwear."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
