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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.02.19 09:00z 217 Lines 5837 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27806_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 6/2
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<XE1FH<LU3DVN<LU9DCE<VA3TOK<GB7YEW
Sent: 190206/0857Z 27806@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When grass is dry at morning light look for rain before the night
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Nerd Day
--------
You know it's going to be a bad day AND you'll feel suddenly old, when your
Teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
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THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN AN
ARKANSAS SCHOOL DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT
INTACT.)
--MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT.
--DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN.
28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
--PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
--PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
--JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN
OUT OF HIS FACE.
--CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
--MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
--JONNY WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS
SIDE.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN ( )'s
WERE CROSSED OUT].
--PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
--IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.
-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
--PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY.
WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN
WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO
ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED.
SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A
COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
--PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN
BED WITH GRAMPS.
--GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
--PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
--MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER,
SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO
SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER
AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER .
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST
NIGHT.
-------
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots
prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of
injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you
feel pain?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
------
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's cheque book, Mike made a
deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a
few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and
figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage
$550.00, electricity $70.50, phone $35.00." His brow wrinkled as
he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is
that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
--------------------
Sexual nature below -
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan .
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down
to the desk clerk to ask if there was a Barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from
your room is a vending machine that should Serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which Time the machine started to buzz a
nd whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which Reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. fifteen seconds later he pulled out
his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need
When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,
and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood Into the opening. When the machine
started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen
seconds Later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ Which
now had a button sewn neatly on the end..
-------------
Job Description after retirement
Someone asked me, Now that you're retired, "do you have another
job?" I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor." Somewhat
shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
that?" "Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my
f'ing advice, she'll ask me for it.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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