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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.02.19 07:25z 285 Lines 7377 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27717_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 4/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<
W9ABA<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 190204/0718Z 27717@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It's an ill wind that blows no one any good
-----
Puns for those with a higher IQ
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
------
Battle
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Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-- Henry Kissinger
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Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really
Something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold
Him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you
Thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to
Sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The
Thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how
Hard it is to tuna fish?'
Squares
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The late comedian Paul Lynde would have celebrated his 78th birthday this
Week. Here are some priceless, classic Paul Lynde answers from Hollywood
Squares....
Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: Well, like all of us, naked and screaming.
Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness, lust, gluttony,
Envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.
Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.
Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George
C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller's recent facelift, she received
Thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt?
How much did it cost? And one other... What?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for
That other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... But I don't
Recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: Which performing team were the stars of
Ed Sullivan's first TV show?
Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.
Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul... During the time of
The hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was
In the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.
Peter Marshall: Paul, who is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Paul Lynde: Looks aren't everything!
Peter Marshall: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote,
"It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children."
What is it?
Paul Lynde: A whipping.
Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story
Of a love that changed the world forever." What movie is it?
Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually
Wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals.
What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage
And the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was
Recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!
Sexual content below -
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When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, [even if retired you have those sometimes]
Try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section
And purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand..
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print
there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.
'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in
the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUM THAN YOURS!
---------
While in China , a man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make
more money that way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
-----------------
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28
You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 78
What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
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A sexual grievance - it's no small thing...
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The midget."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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