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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.02.19 05:27z 247 Lines 8698 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27602_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 2/2
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190202/0725Z 27602@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain, rain go away come again another day
---------
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is
that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he
bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
-----------
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the
Villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
Forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as
Supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next
Announced that he would now buy monkeys at £20 each.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
Monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started
Going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply
Of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let
Alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However,
Since he had to go to the USA on some business, his assistant would buy on
His behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all
These monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will
Sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can
Sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for
700 billion pounds. Strange as it may seem they never saw the man or his
Assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the
UK BANKS BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this!
---------------
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
Scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
Lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his
Way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
With both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
Kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
Already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
Table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
Man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
Table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
Seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
On its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand
Was suddenly smacked with a spatula by THE wife...
"B off" she said, "they're for the funeral!!"
Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together
Naturally.
2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look
Different when you return.
3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces
Only leads to frustration.
4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit,
Piece by piece.
5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back
Later (see #4).
6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colours and patterns
That make the puzzle interesting.
8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.
9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and
Order.
10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are
Surprising.
11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be
Rushed.
Patients
--------
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and
no spine, and the head and tail are interchangeable."
Teacher
-------
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms .
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School
teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
Blonde Policewoman Candidate
----------------------------
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer
asks her some questions:
Officer: "What's 2 + 2?"
Blonde: "Ummm... 4!"
Officer: "What's the square root of 100?"
Blonde: "Ummm... 10!"
Officer: "Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Blonde: "Ummm... I dunno."
Officer: "Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow."
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she
got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working
on a murder case!"
Minor Sexual nature follows -
"Honey, not tonight" "
I have never understood why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much"
For example one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're
just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to
happen that night, I went to sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We
went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a
pair for each outfit". We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet
when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her
when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the
cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. You're just not in
touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was
going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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