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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.01.20 09:20z 224 Lines 8902 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 14049_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 15/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 200115/0911Z 14049@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Three days rain will empty any sky
~~~~~~~
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
15) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
---------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
Asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
An animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is
Enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
Ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
----------
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
------------------
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife
Was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight
started....
************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95. Instead,
she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer would make
her look better at night than the cold cream....... And that's how the fight
started.
************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'...... And that's how the fight started....
***********************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who
would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'...... And that's how
the fight started.....
*************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at
me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and
said, 'Well, then which one are you?'...... And that's how the fight started.....
**************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you
worried about the mad cow ?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'..... And
that's how the fight started.....
Sexual content
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
Activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
Speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
Communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
Right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
Stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
Family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
Her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
You're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
Nephew......
'Swines won't let me f*rt.'
-------------
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost
had an affair with another woman..'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
Walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
According to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate
Love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What
are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himsel f and said, 'Those little devils!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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