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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.02.19 05:26z 229 Lines 6080 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27510_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 30/1
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<IR2UBX<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190130/0929Z 27510@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The pine stays green in winter, wisdom in hardship
------
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current
Edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much
Alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll
Do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
--------
"One Liners"
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
6. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
7. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
8. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
9. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
10. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.
11. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
12. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
The memory.
13. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
Pig.
14. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
15. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
------
The Cat To English Dictionary
-----------------------------
Cat Phrase - Meaning
Miaow - Feed me.
meeow - Pet me.
Mrooww - I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the
Hedge. Don't wait up.
Mrow - I feel like making noise.
Rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
Rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the
Contents as far out of the box as was practical.
Miaowmiaow - Play with me.
Miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this
Room?
Mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see
What happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
Raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts
Of my anatomy.
Mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that
Some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with
Both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and
Attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and
Beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
Gakk-AK-AK - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball.
Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the
Carpeting.
Mow - Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww - Shedding is pretty good, too.
---
Accident
--------
Maury runs over to his neighbour's house and bangs on the door: "Mrs Pauly,
Mrs Pauly, come quickly. Pauly's been run over by a steam roller."
"Heavens!" she shrieked, "where is he?"
"County General Hospital, rooms 221-223-225."
Tasty Dinner
------------
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to
Really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the
Supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an
Egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food,
Stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her
Husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
Dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of
Marriage. You can make this for me any old day.
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her
Husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were
All horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the
Cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food
Every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play
Bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel piece
While he was licking his bum..."
Oil On Fish
-----------
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it
Was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
Different
---------
"Be different; Conform."
Cardboard
---------
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent coloured glass
Windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows
Remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like
That piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison."
After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
Gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
Pane!"
Sexual
-------------
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
Not only did I get the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
...Apparently the correct answer is 'the Fiji Islands'.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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