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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.02.19 05:25z 378 Lines 10475 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27477_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 29/1
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As Grandmother used to say
The fire is winter's fruit
--------
Aussie Cat Gets Bank Credit Card
--------------------------------
Melbourne - An Australian bank apologized for granting a credit
card to a customer's pet cat. Katherine Campbell told the Australian
Broadcasting Corp. That the Bank of Queensland sent a card attached to her
Existing account for her cat "Messiah." She says she was testing the
bank's identity screening process. Asked for comment a bank official said
People who apply for credit cards must sign to confirm the information they
Have provided is true and not misleading.
---
A new deli restaurant tried to lure new customers with the promise
That they'd pay fifteen dollars to anyone who ordered a sandwich the
Chefs couldn't make. A smart Aleck ordered an elephant-ear sandwich.
After several minutes, the waitress returned from the kitchen and
Gave the customer fifteen dollars, saying they couldn't make that
Sandwich.
The customer said, "I didn't think you could find elephant ears."
"Oh, it's not the ears," replied the waitress. "We're out of those
Big buns."
What did the grape say after an elephant stepped on it?
It didn't say anything. It just let out a little wine.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant. You get down from a goose.
Speaking of the Marx Brothers reminds us of one of Groucho's most
Famous lines (from the movie Animal Crackers): "I shot an elephant in
My pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." Groucho also
Explained that it's easier to extract tusks in Alabama because that's
Where "the Tuscaloosa."
Reasoning
---------
Three old gals were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test. The
Doctor says to the first gal "What is three times three?"
"297" was her prompt reply.
"Ummm humm" says the doc.
The doctor says to the lady "It's your turn now. What is three times
Three?"
"Friday" replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."
Then the doc says to the third "Okay mam your turn. What's three times
Three?"
"Nine" says she.
"That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me how did you get that?"
"Simple" she says beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"
Never..
--------
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
-Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear
At your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows the "Mayflower Madam"
Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size"
with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
-Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the
Job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's
drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the
game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said "look it's always
Gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
-Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera
Never give up. And never under any circumstances face the facts.
-Ruth Gordon
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
-American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors
Golf
----
After a particularly poor game of golf the golfer skipped the "19th" hole
And headed straight for home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get
His car a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the
Sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"yes I guess that would be about right" replied the golfer.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off
The course?"
"Yes I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well" said the policeman"your ball flew out onto the highway and
Crashed through a driver's windshield. That sent the car out of control
And it crashed into five other cars and a fire truck! As a result the fire
Truck couldn't make it to the fire so the building burned down. It was a
Total loss. So what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded..."I think I'll close my
Stance a little bit tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Countries
---------
"England and America are two countries divided by a common language."
-- George Bernard Shaw
Engineers
-------
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied "well I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike threw it to the ground took
off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said "Good choice the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Two
To the optimist the glass is half-full. To the pessimist the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Three
A priest a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in"I don't know but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
He said " Hello George what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied"oh yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last yearso we always let them play for free
anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said "Why can't they play at night?"
-------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
--------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Five
The graduate with a science degree asks "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an engineering degree asks "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks "How much will it
cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks "Do you want fries
with that?"
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said "Noit was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said "No actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke it doesn't have enough features yet.
------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him And said "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent overpicked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me I'll turn back into
a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket smiled at it and returned
It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally the frog asked "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said "LookI'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend
but a talking frog now that's cool."
sexual
-----------
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been
married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced
her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged
them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched
with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in
the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays
and Wednesdays .. But on Tuesdays ,Thursdays and Fridays I play bowls ...
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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