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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.02.19 05:25z 298 Lines 8759 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27430_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 28/1
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 190128/0726Z 27430@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The winter does not leave without a backward glance
---------
God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do
Something for Me."
Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"
God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."
Adam said, "What's A valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the River."
Adam said, "What's a River?"
God explained that To him, and then said,
"Go over to the Hill....."
Adam said, "What is a Hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On The Other side of the
Hill you will find a Cave."
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do That?"
God first said (under His breath), "Gee-whiz....."
And then, Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as Well.
So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and
Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in About five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is
It Now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a Headache?"
----
Bird's Legs
-----------
A young university student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology
Test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten
Birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were
Showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best
Job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at
Each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and
Species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to
Him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had
To identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he
Got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and
Said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between
Birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on
The professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every
Student's' name so as the student reached the door the professor called,
"Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his trouser legs and said, "You tell me buddy!
You tell me!"
Beavers
-------
When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness
Preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead
Whose bridge was under water.
"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that
Cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the
Beavers rebuild them."
As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge.
It read: Beavers 13 - Rangers 12
Trek Story, From Callahan's Bar
-------------------------------
"Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and I
Thought the folks might appreciate it."
"It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke Skywalker.
The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name of Vader,
Specifically the lightsaber battle they fought in the cloud city. The
Depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left
Out a few details."
"It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were exchanged
While the two of them were temporarily clenched with their weapons locked
Against each other, and apparently the director must have felt that some
Editing would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of them were
Snipped out."
"So here's the rest of what they said to each other."
'Luke, there is something that you do not know.'
'What's that?'
'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.'
'You're wrong. You can't know that.'
'Nevertheless, it is so.'
'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!'
'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I know it
With the same degree of certainly as I know of the inevitability of the
Failure of your pitiful rebellion.'
'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!'
'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you the true
Power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can destroy the
Emperor!'
'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for Christmas? You
Think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the future?'
'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it for this.'
'Then how do you know what I'm getting?'
'It's very simple, Luke. I have felt your presents.'"
Asking The Right Question
-------------------------
In a recent accident, a freight train had been rear-ended by a local
Express train, after dark, and the ensuing investigation centred on
Whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train
Sufficiently.
"Now, then," said the superintendent to the rear brakeman, "were you
Flagging your train that night?" "Yes, sir," he said.
"And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the super. "Yes,
Sir," said the brakie.
"And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super. "Yes, sir,
And they went right on past me," the brakie said.
"And did you use a red lantern?" the super asked. "Yes, sir," the man said.
"Of course."
Well, the railroad couldn't decide who was at fault, so the investigation
was closed. After the hearing, the conductor of the freight train said to
the rear brakeman, "You did just what I asked you to and you told the
truth. Weren't you nervous at all?"
"You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hopin' that guy wouldn't ask me if
the lantern was lit!"
----
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local
park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have
kidnapped your child. Leave £10,000 in a plain, brown bag behind the big
oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM . Signed, "The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the £10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Sexual connotations
.
.
.
.
.
.
A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem; he
was unable to get his penis erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that
there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the
risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's
trunk into his penis.
The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life
without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant,
the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic
evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring
in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To
release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid
across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to
his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her
face said," That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my bum."
-------------
Fom a teacher -- short and to the point
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more
and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note
of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle
Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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