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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.02.19 16:25z 282 Lines 7180 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25157_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 31/12 Happy Hogmanay
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As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
-----
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew DA elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a
week...
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew DA elastic on DA knickers and
thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
-------------
SEASONAL GREETINGS
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
Gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice,
Secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
Religious/secular traditions at all.
We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2018
Of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,
IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual preference
or practices of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable
At the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good
tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
Holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of
this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of
arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute.
In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will
content ourselves with
Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Sincerely, Fraternally and Electronically,
David
***************************
Verbal Tennis between Men and Women
1- A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
2- A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone … yes, why not?.
3- Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
Sleeping with?
She replies: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
4- A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
My sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied after a pause: I like your
Sense of humour.
5- Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
You having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
---------
In evidence the court heard that the plaintiff in the case had taken an action
against the proprietors of a local theatre. The background to the case was that,
in the course of a recent performance at the theatre, his mobile telephone went
off, and he was immediately requested by ushers to leave the auditorium. This
incident had caused him no little measure of embarrassment, and he felt that the
least he was entitled to was to have been re-imbursed for the price of admission.
For their part, the directors of the theatre explained that patrons had been requested
to ensure that their phones and pagers had been turned off. The play was a very
serious one, and the interruption had come at a vital part when the whole point of
the play was unfolding.
"It could be said," remarked the presiding judge, "that this was one of the audience
who got the message."
***************************
A motorist in Kreuzlingen, Switzerland is facing a driving ban, after being caught four
times by the same speed camera in the space of one minute and 37 seconds. The
motorist unwittingly passed a speed trap before turning round at the next roundabout
to investigate a mysterious flash. He drove past again, and once more was puzzled by
a flash of light. It took two more attempts - both flashed before he spotted the camera
perched on top of a traffic light.
***************************
At an evening of reminiscence about the war years held at Bournemouth, a lady
delighted the audience with a memoir about a German prisoner-of-war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945.
She recalled: "He always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
***************************
Eternal Youth
-------------
The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal
Youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time
He was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.
Traffic!!!
----------
Morning rush hour goes from 7 to 10 a.m. The evening rush hour is from 3
To 7 p.m., except on Fridays, when it begins Thursday morning.
Mum's always right!
-------------------
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
---------
The old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with
a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling, young man," he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir." the young man replied. "I'm the
Census Taker."
"A what?" the man asked.
"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in
the United States."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have
no idea."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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