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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.11.19 07:10z 286 Lines 7886 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 11433_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 21/11
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0EEO<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VK6HGR<VK2IO<GB7YEW
Sent: 191121/0706Z 11433@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Beware the bolts from north or west in south or east the bolts be best
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Things To Make You Ponder
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
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Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!'
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Being a parent changes everything. But being
a parent also changes with each baby. Here
are some of the ways having a second and
third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes
as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for
as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your
regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes,
Colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in
the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes
are clean and discard only the ones with the
darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress -
a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her
wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how
to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the
floor, you put it away until you can go
home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the
floor, you squirt it off with some juice
from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt
and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers
every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2
to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper
before others start to complain about the
smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby
Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby
with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door,
you remember to leave a number where you can
be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the
sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every
day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday
watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day
hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a
coin, you rush the child to the hospital
and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a
coin, you carefully watch for the coin
to pass.
3rd child: when the 3rd child swallows a
coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one
of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend
drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached
to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the
same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told
me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into
4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!
-----------
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and
Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.
---------
'The Obedient Wife'
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
Money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to
Take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
Money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart that
When he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
Sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to
Her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers
Got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put
It in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket
Down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put
All that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I' m a Christian; I cannot go back
On my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the
Casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my
Account , and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can
Spend it.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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