| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.11.19 07:33z 226 Lines 6211 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 11020_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 8/11
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<I3XTY<GB7COW<GB7CIP<N7HPX<KF5JRV<KE0GB<
GB7YEW
Sent: 191108/0728Z 11020@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Evening red and morning grey will set the traveller on his way
-------
Things To Make You Ponder
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-----
In Glasgow, pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
----
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
Antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
Wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
His sister from a telephone box. So he
Calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
Toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
The next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
Get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
Negative - 'Aye right.'
---------
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal
Information about its customers, such as their political affiliation, on
Computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution,
Sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal
Abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting
Them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program
To search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He
Tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear
Rich Bastard."
The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
Kitchen Wisdom
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up
to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please
recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it
and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go
away!
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
-----------
Sexual -
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the
instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow
the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise ...
Nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset
at this point She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom
of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please
call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes
him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there!'
The man ... Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
into its eyes' and sternly says:
'LISTEN TO ME...
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
