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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.11.19 08:45z 304 Lines 9051 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10929_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 6/11
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 191106/0838Z 10929@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When spiders weave their webs by noon, fine weather is coming soon
------
Things To Make You Ponder
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife..
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few
Bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and
whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,
they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
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Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an
Accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the
Lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
My favourite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
Question. Did you, or did you not say, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
Was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
Fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman
That he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing
My client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
Question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer,
I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
Loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
The highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
Smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
Hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie
Moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could
Hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
Her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman
Came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?'"
-------------------------
Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.
Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
Forever.
Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
Would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????
Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: I) no mind ii) no business
Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
Marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.
Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!
Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.
----------------
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
Lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he
Always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.
Place this small ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and
I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side
Of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"
He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the
Barber's' next move and with muffled voice asked, "But what happens if
I accidently swallow the ball?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back the next day,. ..
that's what the last guy did."
---------
"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen Test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
Muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally
Alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also
Applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge
Your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine
If you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below
Are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and... Begin.
WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now
And go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do
Cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do
Not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over
Stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to
Content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as
Children's World.
If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house
Is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks
And a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house
Made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you
Said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here
Reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then! Go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
Feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
Politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway,
During the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing
That the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash
Landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has
Time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no
man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would
you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no
man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you
must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts
would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next
question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus
from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get
on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In
Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three
people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get
off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was
the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope
they do better than you did.
PS: 958f people fail in most of the questions!!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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