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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.11.19 07:13z 353 Lines 12404 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10878_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 4/11
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<W9ABA<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 191104/0704Z 10878@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Ice in November to bear a duck,the rest of the winter will be slush and muck
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Things To Make You Ponder
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
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-Apples not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up
In the morning.
-Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
-A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
-People do not get sick from cold weather it's from being
Indoors a lot more.
-When you sneeze all bodily functions stop even your heart.
-Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
-Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
-Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they
Are 2-6 years old.
-The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
-40000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
-The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
-Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
-Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
-Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
Same airplane just in case there is a crash
-The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
Tomato can for a carburetor.
-Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut
From women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
-If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.
-The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood.
-No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
-Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
-1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
-You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
-The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
-A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's
First flight.
-Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
-The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
Varieties of pickles the company once had.
-The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called eaglets.
-Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
-The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
-Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the
Entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
-Adolf Hit's mother seriously considered having an abortion
But was talked out of it by her doctor.
-All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like
being seen wearing them in public.
-Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
-It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
For a year's supply of footballs.
-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
Dating are already married.
-The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro Coca Cola and Budweiser in that order.
-Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
-A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
-Richard millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
Contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
-Humans consume 6 gallons of saliva a year
-The larger your head the smaller your brain.
-Every 30 seconds somewhere in the world someone commits suicide.
-Every minute a meteor (most likely small ones) hits the earth.
-Slugs and potatoes have the same atomic structure as a black
Hole. (I doubt this is true but think about eating something
That has the atomic structure of a black hole)
-In Texas if 2 trains meet at a railroad track both trains
Shall stop and neither will continue until the other has gone
-When you die your nails still grow
-Every 300 seconds a Starbucks is opened
-Human thigh bones are as strong as concrete
-Slugs have 4 noses
-There is enough carbon in our bodies to fill 900 pencils
-If you are asleep you grow averagely 2 centimetres
-While awake and being upright you shrink the same amount
As you grow in the morning
-"Out of sight out of mind" when translated by computer into
Russian and back becomes "Invisible maniac".
-When biting your finger nails u swallow the same amount of
Germs as licking a toilet seat
-You have a better chance to die on your way to get a lottery
Ticket than actually winning the lottery.
-Around every 300.000 years the polarity of the Earth
Changes (I definitely know this is true. I saw a documentary
On it)
-In medieval England there was once a proposed law that only
Someone of the rank of baron or higher could eat a meat pie
-The words assassination and bump were made by Shakespeare
-No Person may keep a skunk as a pet- VA
-It is illegal to park a car on railroad tracks- VA
-It is illegal for a woman to drive a car down main street
Unless her husband is in front of the car waving a red flag- VA
-It is illegal to wrestle bears- Alabama
-Putting salt on railroad tracks will lead to death penalty- Alabama
-If an animal control officer is wearing his uniform it
Signifies he is an animal control officer- Alabama (lol)
-It is illegal to sell your children- Florida!
-There was once a proposed American law that the death sentence
would be used for violent offences such as:
1. Assasinating the president
2. Hijacking an airliner.
3. Murdering an official poultry inspector
-468f percentage statistics are randomly made up on the spot.
------------------
Excellent Medical Advice
I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who would not mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important medical information!
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
-----
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC .
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Yankee HOFer Yogi Berra
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ..."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?
_____________________
Children Writing About the Ocean... Hysterical!
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kellyage 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerryage 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.. If you don't have ocean all round you you are incontinent. (Mark age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) - When ships had sails they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tailsbut how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like really? (Helenage 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has just got pregnant so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopherage 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the oceanit is very coldand it makes my willy small. (Kevinage 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James age 7)
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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