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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.11.19 07:21z 257 Lines 9496 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10812_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 3/11
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<N1URO<VE3CGR<VA3HRA<GB7YEW
Sent: 191103/0712Z 10812@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Dandelion blossoms close before a storm
---
Things To Make You Ponder
6. Don't take life too seriously no one gets out alive.
---------
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
Expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call
>From the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
Work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for
Them.
Hellloooo,..........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
Am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking
Sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows
Would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
Just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!
-------
A Quiz For Know It All People
-----------------------------
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that
I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with
Straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
Know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several
Growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What
Are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the
Team on defence, and the offensive team can score without touching the
Ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside
The bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
Hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least
half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the
letter "S."
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends . . . boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The only sport in which the ball is always in . possession of the team
on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball. . .
baseball.
5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.
6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire
growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the
stems.)
7. Three English words beginning with dw..... dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma, colon,
semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers . . in Minnesota. (The team was
originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they
moved west.)
10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit . . . taking a base on balls (a walk). . batter hit by a
pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike,
fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.
11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh .... lettuce.
12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . . ..
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.
---
Orders
------
As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one
Of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a
Problem taking orders.
One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for
Me. "Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid,"
I told him, "just say, 'Yes sir.' But in your mind, think, 'Your're an
Idiot!' Will this work for you?"
He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"
Electricity
-----------
"Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning,
Which is attracted to the Earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the
Electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and
Burned in big ovens called 'generators,' turns back into electricity..
Where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes
Through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is
Known as a 'circuit.'" --Dave Barry
Nurses
------
My nursing friend was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male
Patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick
It up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and
Said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."
The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready
For insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."
-------
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
Drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
Prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
Behind me." ---General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
Accordion." ---Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac,
President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
Sitting in Paris sipping coffee." ---Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
Better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
Outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
Stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I
Don't know." ---P.J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
Face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen
Are miserable because they live in France. ---Mark Twain
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.
---Ted Nugent
-------------
Sexual - but funny
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you
leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking
sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes
on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he
didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've
had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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