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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 31.10.19 07:55z 187 Lines 5872 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10650_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 31/10
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 191031/0723Z 10650@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Melt the icy fingers of fear with the sunshine of hope
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Things To Make You Ponder
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
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Blind On One Side
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During court one day the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading:
"Blind on right side may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed the clerk called for help before whispering to the
Judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of
the room and explained"I was thinking someone from maintenance!"
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play bring a friend.... If you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night will attend second... If there is one." - - Winston Churchill in response.
"I feel so miserable without you it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt she always yielded easily."
- CharlesCount Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'
- Jack E. Leonard
'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'
- Robert Redford
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'
- Thomas Brackett Reed
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'
- Billy Wilder
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'
- Abraham Lincoln
'A modest little person with much to be modest about. '
- Winston Churchill
An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said"If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said"If you were my wifeI'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends Sir" said Disraeli "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
Sexual content
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At Friday night services Morris went to his friend Irving and said “Irving I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend he reluctantly agreed.
After services he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked “Irving what are you really up to with all this?”
Irving filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home my wife died two years ago!"
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Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him"Father I have a problem.. I have two female parrots
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say"hi we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed then he
thought for a moment.
"You know" he said"I may have a solution
to your problem. I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and
your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase ... in no
time."
Thank you" the woman responded"this may very
well be the solution."
The next day she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were
inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. impressed she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have
been answered!"
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