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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.10.19 07:21z 207 Lines 5976 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10634_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 30/10
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<W9ABA<GB7YEW
Sent: 191030/0711Z 10634@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
Grandmother used to say
If the bull leads the cows to pasture, expect rain
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2. I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
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The Human Body
It Takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth To your stomach.
One Human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The Average man's penis is three times the length of his Thumb.
Human Thighbones are stronger than Concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster Than a man's.
There are about one Trillion bacteria on each of your Feet.
Women blink twice as often As men.
The average person's skin Weighs twice as much as the Brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles To balance itself when you are standing Still.
If saliva cannot dissolve Something, you cannot taste It.
Women reading This will be finished now.
Men are Still busy checking their thumbs.
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BLONDE MAN arrives home early. As he gets in he hears panting and his
wife shouting "yes! No! Yes!" up stairs. He puts down his brief case and goes
up to the bedroom and his wife is lying on the bed. "What's the matter Hun?"
he asks - "I think I have had a heart attack" she says.
As he reaches for his mobile to dial 999 their nine year old comes in and says
"Uncle Eddie's in the wardrobe". Blonde man pulls open the wardrobe door
and there's his brother standing there in a state of undress.
"EDWARD" he shouts " I am surprised at you - here's my wife having a heart
attack and you're playing hide and seek with the kids"....
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What Religion are you?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday
School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play
with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the
toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play.
" When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think
we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you"
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopalians
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Slightly coarse -
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes
to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a
parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter
of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone
FROM emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he
writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden
leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
---------------
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report
on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike....'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board....'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do
you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new
high - tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to
the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they
were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even
10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20
percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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