GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.10.19 10:30z 262 Lines 10409 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10552_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 29/10
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Sent: 191029/1018Z 10552@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When your joints all start to ache rainy weather is at stake
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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
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The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
Obama Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.
God looks at them and says"Before granting you a place at my side I must ask
you what you have learned what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard looks God in the eye and says“I believe in hard work and
in staying true to family and friends.
I believe in giving. I was lucky but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says"What do you believe?"
Hillary says“I believe passion discipline courage and honour are the fundamentals of life.
Like Obama I believe in hard work I too have been lucky but win or lose I've always tried
to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally God turns to Trump and says"And you Donald what do you believe?"
Trump replies"I believe you're in my seat.
Casinos
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Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while
gambling the big high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated
Defibrillator's. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric
Shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is if you're at a big High-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown they just drag you across the carpet and
Touch your finger to the doorknob.
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German scientists dug 50 metres down and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time Germany announced that the ancient
Germans 25000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.
Naturally the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered
their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down. They found small pieces
of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35000 years ago
already had a nation-wide fibre net.
American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 metres down and found
absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55000 years
ago had cellphones.
.............................
For your consideration some of the most expensive catastrophes in History
# 11. Titanic - $150 Million: The sinking of the Titanic is possibly the
Most famous accident in the world. But it barely makes our list of top 10
Most expensive. On April 151912 the Titanic sank on its maiden voyage
And was considered to be the most luxurious ocean liner ever built. Over
1500 people lost their lives when the ship ran into an iceberg and sunk
In frigid waters. The ship cost $7 million to build ($150 million in
today's dollars).
# 10. Tanker Truck vs Bridge - $358 Million
On August 262004 a car collided with a tanker truck containing 32000
Litres of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany . The tanker crashed
Through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4 Autobahn resulting in a
Huge explosion and fire which destroyed the load-bearing ability of the
Bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and the cost to replace the
Bridge is estimated at $318 Million.
# 9. MetroLink Crash - $500 Million
On September 122008 in what was one of the worst train crashes in
California history 25 people were killed when a metro link commuter train
Crashed head-on into a Union Pacific freight train in Los Angeles . It is
Thought that the metro link train may have run through a red signal while
The conductor was busy text messaging. Wrongful death lawsuits are
Expected to cause $500 million in losses for metro link.
# 8. B-2 Bomber Crash - $1.4 Billion
Here we have our first billion dollar accident (and we're only #8 on the
List). A USAF B-2 stealth bomber crashed shortly after taking off from an
Air base in Guam on February 232008. Investigators blamed distorted data
In the flight control computers caused by moisture in the system.
This resulted in the aircraft making a sudden nose-up move which made the
B-2 stall and crash. This was 1 of only 21 ever built and was the most
Expensive aviation accident in history. Both pilots were able to eject to
Safety.
# 7. Exxon Valdez - $2.5 Billion
The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in relation to the world's
Biggest oil spills but it was a costly one due to the remote location of
Prince William Sound (accessible only by helicopter and boat). On March
24198910.8 million gallons of oil was spilled when the ship's master Joseph
hazelwood left the controls and the ship crashed into a Reef. The
Cleanup cost Exxon $2.5 billion.
# 6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 Billion
The world ' s worst off-shore oil disaster. At one time it was the
world's single largest oil producer spewing out 31000 barrels of oil per
Day.
On July 61988as part of routine maintenance technicians removed and
checked safety valves which were essential in preventing dangerous
build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical safety valves which were
checked. Unfortunately the technicians made a mistake and forgot to
replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night a technician pressed a
start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world's most expensive oil
rig accident was set in motion. Within 2 hours the 300 foot platform was
engulfed in flames. It eventually collapsed killing 167 workers and
resulting in $3.4 Billion in damages.
# 5. Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion
The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73 seconds after takeoff due on
January 281986 due to a faulty O-ring. It failed to seal one of the
joint sallowing pressurized gas to reach the outside. This in turn caused
the external tank to dump its payload of liquid hydrogen causing a massive
explosion. The cost of replacing the Space Shuttle was $2 billion in 1986
($4.5 billion in today's dollars). The cost of investigation problem
correction and replacement of lost equipment cost $450 million from
1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today's dollars).
# 4. Prestige Oil Spill - $12 Billion
On November 132002 the Prestige oil tanker was carrying 77000 tons of
heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst during a storm off
Galicia Spain . Fearing that the ship would sink the captain called for
help from Spanish rescue worker sexpecting them to take the ship into
harbour. However pressure from local authorities forced the captain to
steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get help from the
French and Portuguese authorities but they too ordered the ship away from
their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the ship resulting in
the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million gallons oil into the
sea. According to a report by the Pontevedra Economist Board the total
cleanup cost $12 billion.
# 3. Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion
The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first space-worthy shuttle in NASA's
orbital fleet. It was destroyed during re-entry over Texas on February 12003 after a hole
was punctured in one of the wings during launch 16 days
earlier. The original cost of the shuttle was $2 Billion in 1978. That
comes out to $6.3 Billion in today ' s dollars. $500 million was spent on
the investigation making it the costliest aircraft accident investigation
in history. The search and recovery of debris cost $300 million.
In the end the total cost of the accident (not including replacement of
the shuttle) came out to $13 Billion according to the American Institute
of Aeronautics and Astronautics.
# 2. Chernobyl - $200 Billion
On April 261986 the world witnessed the costliest accident in history.
The Chernobyl disaster has been called the biggest socio-economic
catastrophe in peace time history. 508f the area of Ukraine is in some
way contaminated. Over 200000 people had to be evacuated and resettled
while 1.7 million people were directly affected by the disaster. The death
toll attributed to Chernobyl including people who died from cancer years
later is estimated at 125000. The total costs including cleanup resettlement and compensation
to victims has been estimated to be roughly
$200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the Chernobyl nuclear
plant will cost $2 billion alone. The accident was officially attributed
to power plant operators who violated plant procedures and were ignorant
of the safety requirements needed.
# 1. Gordon Brown - $300 Billion. Since he came to power Gordon Brown
spent £300 Billion with soaring public spending together with propping up
the banks the ailing economy which he also presided over as Chancellor.
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Sexual content -
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
Starts putting on his coat. His wife seeing the unexpected behaviour Asks'Where are you going?'
He replies'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says'Why are you sick?'
He says 'NopeI'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
Of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says'Where the hell are you going ?
She answers'I'm going to the doctor too.'
He says'Why what do you need?'
She says'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing I'm
Getting a tetanus shot.'
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An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out
With each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends they decided
It was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long
Conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
Subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively-
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment adjusted his glasses
And leaned over towards her and whispered ...... "Is that one word or two?"
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