GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.10.19 07:13z 200 Lines 6575 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10522_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 28/10
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 191028/0709Z 10522@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
An English SummerThree Hot Days and a Thunderstorm
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Did you hear what happened to the butcher?
He backed into a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
Students put on his boots? He was really struggling so she began pulling
And him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally after
Several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on she had
Worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said "teacher they're on the
Wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
Boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
Together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
Feet.
He then announced "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream "Why didn't
You say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull
The ill-fitting boots off.
He then said "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and
Courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
"Now" she said sweating profusely"where are your mittens?"
He said "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her"Just so you
know I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
Some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens just pull the
Plug."
His wife got up unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island
in the middle of the lake which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years.
finally the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle and
the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied
themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knight sand each knight had 5
Squires all of whom were busily polishing armor brushing horses and cooking food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at
that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom there
was only one knight with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it
from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal while the
knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight
(this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged and when
the dust cleared the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom having
defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.
Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the
squires of the other two sides
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1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold I began to get
warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
Cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down
into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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Two bowling teams one of all Blondes and one of all brunettes charter a
double-Decker bus for a weekend Trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and The Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up Having a great time when one of them
realized she Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She Decided to go up
and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top she found all the Blondes in fear staring straight ahead
at the road Clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her swallowed hard And whispered...
'YEAH BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
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Sexual content
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
-------------
A Tough Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says'Ah I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably
won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're
going to be okay you'll walk again and everything but..... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently but the fact is your willy was chopped off in the
wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans but the doctor goes on'You've got £9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did... Better in fact! But the thing is it
doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. The doctor says'it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean if you had
a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put
out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five
incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So have
you spoken with your wife?'
'I have' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes she has' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite work surfaces for the kitchen.'
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