GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.10.19 06:22z 231 Lines 8421 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10423_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 26/10
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 191026/0619Z 10423@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Flowers are more fragrant before rain
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Secretary
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types:
Fast and with lots of mistakes.
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Vet Bills
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While waiting at the veterinarian's office I overheard two women chatting
About their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well we used to call her Pork Chop" answered the second lady. "But after
The vet bills we've had for her we now call her Filet Mignon."
The Prodigal Son Parable In The Key Of "F"
------------------------------------------
Feeling footloose and frisky a feather-brained fellow forced his fond
Father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and
Frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally
Facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly he found himself a
Feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have
Filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the
Filthy farmyard creatures. 'Fooey'he said'My father's flunkies fare far
Fancier the frazzled fugitive found feverishly frankly facing facts.
Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his
Family. Falling at his father's feet he floundered forlornly. 'Father I
Have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour.'
But the faithful father forestalling further flinching frantically flagged
The flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.' But the
Fugitives''s fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the
Former folderol. His fury flashed.
But fussing was futile for the far-sighted father figured such filial
Fidelity is fine but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is
Found! "Unfurl the flags with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely
Flow!" "Former failure is forgotten folly is forsaken! And forgiveness
Forms the foundation for future fortitude."
Computers
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Todd's Law of Computer Problems: Anytime you start violating the laws of
Physics and sending little packets of information around through wires
You're just asking for trouble.
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Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
Bill a spokesman for North West Gas said"We agree it was rather
High for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
For the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
Salami in her underwear. When asked why she said it was because she
Was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because
They cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
And they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
Was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
Commented"This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale the harbour master radioed a coastguard
And asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry but
He didn't have a gauge. However if it was any help the wind had just
Blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue Boscombe delighted the
Audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
Sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945 she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap but when the crocuses came up
In the middle of our lawn in February 1946 they spelt out 'Heil
Hitler.'" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
To their passengers...
1) "Ladies and gentlemen I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home unless of course you happen to
Be married to my ex-wife in which case you'll want to cross over to
The Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
From E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
You know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
That last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
Time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham which means we probably won't reach our
Destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen we apologize for the delay but there is
A security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
The foreseeable future so let's take our minds off it and pass some
Time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles hanging on a
Wall.....'."
5) "We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
Told me so I could tell you earlier but no they don't think about
Things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna ladies
and gentleman... Unfortunately towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then stuff
yourselves in like sardines see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
Move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
Personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down Four-eyes and move your bl**dy golf clubs
away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However if you are smoking a
Joint it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
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Sexual connotation -
Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya shure I tink I haff a lighter' he replied and then reaching into his tackle boxhe pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sventaking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell' replied Ole' I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya shure. It's right here in my tackle box' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie Sven says 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes I will' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole' Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!'
Ole answers' Ya I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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