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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.10.19 06:37z 317 Lines 10227 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10408_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 25/10
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 191025/0628Z 10408@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Snow like cotton, soon forgotten
-----
"I fell in love once and I thought she fell in love with me too. Are you
Familiar with the situation? I sat with an engagement ring waiting for an
Answer. I was a single guy with an engagement ring. It was like having a
Loaded gun laying around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by
Accident."
-Jake Johannsen
---------
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
Mouth. The dentist examines him and says"That new upper plate I
Put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies"All I can think of is that about four months ago my
Wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...
Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything ---
Meat toast fish vegetables everything." "Well" says the dentist"that's probably
The problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of
Lemon juice which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper
Plate. I'll make you a new plate and this time use chrome." "Why
Chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies"It's simple.
Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
-------------
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He
said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to
help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind' the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD
RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING
GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER
IN THE BLOOD....'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each
other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES....'
-------------------
Can you imagine yourself sitting at a desk grading these R.E. exam papers
all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain your composure?!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.
IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND
THESE HILARIOUS !
THEY COME FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS.
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE, WRITTEN
BY CHILDREN, HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A
BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT
HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .
THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD
HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700
PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED
THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO
WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
--------
A nice calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy walked up to the
Pharmacist looked straight into his eye sand said' I would like to buy
Some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied' I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed 'Lord have mercy! I can't
Give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
License! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
Happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
Bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied"Well now that's
Different... .. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
-------------
Health Advice
-------------
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Everything
Wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer that's like saying
You can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
Efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
Vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 1008f your recommended daily
Allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
All know scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
Animal mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
Animala AND they are not on the periodic table of elements so that only
Leaves one thing right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
Liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: well if you have a body and you have body fat your ratio is one to
One. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one etc.
Q: At the gym a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
Press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
Your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs though if you find
That it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in you probably ought to
Re-evaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
Program?
A: Can't think of a single one sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.
Q: If I stop smoking will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If
You stop you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
Fact they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
You?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should
Only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Tough Question For Dog And Cat Lovers
-------------------------------------
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young we've got our
Whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned
Out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Ohmeme!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeezepleasepleaseplease!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark check to make sure I haven't missed any and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry but I don't see a light
bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light
bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
The Cat's Answer:
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. so the real
question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some lightsome dinner and a
massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES ONCE AGAIN THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS CATS HAVE
STAFF!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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