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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.10.19 06:13z 220 Lines 8560 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10391_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/10
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7LDI<GB7YEW
Sent: 191024/0609Z 10391@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When smoke descends, good weather ends
------
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been
Canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical
Fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army
Doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely
Interested in how fast we can run?"
-------------
My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing
Bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly
Dangled it before his mother.
"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an
Earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
-------------
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
Situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
Loiters in midair, soliloquising flippantly, until he chances to look down.
At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
Takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
Intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
Cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
Pole or an outsized boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir
Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
Surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming
To its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon
Is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
Cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall
Of a house, leaving a cookie- cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
Matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
Equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
Down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is
Inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are
Sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the
earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will
Induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
The crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the
Wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in
Flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is
Particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may
Be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places
Simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
Spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-
Replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
The velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
Entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled
Generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
Theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he
Attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art,
Not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats
Possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably
Afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated,
Spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few
Moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or
Solidify. Corollary A: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually
In the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy
Gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Bizarre Presidential Facts
--------------------------
Abraham Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of an
envelope. In fact, he worked on that address for two weeks.
It was Cicero, not President John F. Kennedy, who first said words to the
effect of, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do
for your country."
Some scholars believe Andrew Jackson was born at sea in 1755, not 1767, and
thus was not eligible to be president of the U.S. However, at least two
states, North Carolina and South Carolina, claim his birth place, about a
mile apart.
In 1824, Andrew Jackson received more popular votes than John Adams, yet
lost the election. The vote was so close that neither candidate received a
majority of the electoral votes. The decision then went to the House of
Representatives, which elected Adams.
Zachary Taylor, twelfth president of the U.S., did not vote until he was
sixty-two. He did not even vote in his own election.
President Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested during his term of office. He
was convicted of exceeding the Washington speed limit on his horse and
was fined $20.
-----------
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper
Behaviour for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules
That their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the
Priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
-------------
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said.
"Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about
Canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as
Little as I think he does, he's out swimming
-------------
A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet.
One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for doughnuts
Every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself,
He changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As
The weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving
Compliments from his friends and co-workers.
Then one morning without thinking, he accidently turned onto the road
Which would take him by the doughnut shop. At first he was going to turn
Around but then he thought to himself, "maybe the Lord is rewarding me
For my efforts". So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if
This was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly
In front of the shop.
And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there was an open
Spot right up front.
-------------
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
Material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
Sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
Stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be
Disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
1 million germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
Have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
Causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
-------------
Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery suspect
Who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not
What I said!"
-------------
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
Jill: "A diary."
Linda: What's in it?
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and
Confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret
Yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with
Other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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