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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.10.19 07:18z 158 Lines 5430 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10316_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 21/10
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As Grandmother used to say
When the chairs squeak, it's of rain they speak
----
Puzzled
-------
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not
Enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with
Her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind manâ€Ös hat
on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up, and put
it in the hat. “Youâ€Öre not blind”, she said. “No Iâ€Öm not”, said Paddy, “It's
Murphy whose blind. Iâ€Öm just filling in for him while heâ€Ös gone to the
pictures”.
---
“Weâ€Öre looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didnâ€Öt you take on a new one last month"? said Murphy.
“Thatâ€Ös the one weâ€Öre looking for”, Paddy replied.
……………………………………..
Father Oâ€ÖFlaherty asked Mrs Oâ€ÖReilly, how many children she had?
"Four", was the reply. “Thatâ€Ös a good Catholic woman you are, and when will
you be having the next"? He asked. “Iâ€Öm not Father”, she replied.
“I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese”.
………………………………….
The Dublin pensioners club, go on a mystery tour every Wednesday, and to
make it interesting they have a sweep, to guess where they are going.
Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.
…………………………………..
“Mrs Oâ€ÖLeary”, said the Doctor, “Do you smoke after intercourse"?
“I've never looked”, she replied.……………………………
...........................................................................
Haircuts
--------
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
Think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily
Get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was
Actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long
Neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short
They are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
Easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
Shipwrecked
-----------
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark
Red.
He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees
There is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red
Trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark
Red too.
"Oh no!!" he says.
"I think I've been marooned!!"
------------
An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"There anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.
Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daught
er, Pearly Mae,
Pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I kno
w that Pa charges
$50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
-----------------
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't
You know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention?
What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you
No such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
---------------
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her
Arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to
Go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
Butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised
His hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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