| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.10.19 07:45z 229 Lines 8468 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10299_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 20/10
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 191020/0738Z 10299@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rainbow in the morning gives you fair warning
***
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
Their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God
Works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
You're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
Should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign
From God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
Completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
Wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening
Leads."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
Opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The
Woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back
To the man The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, . Don't mess with them
-------------
Story
-----
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
Processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
Teacher
-------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
Make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the
Blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
The blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
---------------
There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week, and three
hundred people were stranded on the escalators, for more than two hours.
…………………………………….
“OLeary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one"? "And what
would I be doing with two empty glasses?” OLeary replied.
……………………………….
Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “Im pregnant”, she cries.
“And how do you know its yours"? shouts her father.
…………………………………
PADDY:- “Hey Shaun, whats Micks surname"? SHAUN:- “Mick who"?
…………………………………..
PADDY:- “If you can guess how many Pheasants, Ive got in me bag, you can
have both of them”. SHAUN:- "Three".
………………………………….
Mrs Murphy said, I don't tink me husband has been faithful to me"!
“Whys that”? said Mrs OToole.
“Me last child dont look anything like him”.
…………………………………….
Mrs OToole said, “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I
promised Mrs OLeary I would never repeat it”.
……………………………………
Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their
conjugal relations to arrive.
……………………………………
Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what
it was for.
“Its me weather guide”, said Murphy, “If its swinging back and forth,
its windy, and if its wet, its been raining".
……………………………………..
Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the
last week in July, and the first week in August.
……………………………………
A Job Is Nice But It Interferes With Genealogy
----------------------------------------------
It's 2005, do you know where your great great grandparents are?
508f my forefathers were female.
Found a politician in my family tree - will trade for horse thief or
Black sheep.
Computer Genealogy: working out where your computer came from.
Hunting season is all year long in genealogy
Goldilocks had the three bears. Genealogists have forebears.
It's a jungle out there...and my family tree is in it!
He ain't heavy--He's my brother's aunt's sister's husband.
Yes, insanity runs in my family; but in my friend's it practically gallops.
Life is not a cabaret, my friend; it's a circus with a mighty big freak
Sideshow!
Men Over 50
-----------
Men over 50 don't need reassurance. They often need Depends.
Men over 50 are sure of themselves. It's their bodies that have serious
Doubts.
Men over 50 are delighted to be seen with women in their 30s. Unless the
Women are wearing badges and uniforms, and have just slapped cuffs on you.
Men over 50 no longer fight at the drop of a hat. They've learned it's hard
Enough to hit a toilet, much less an agile younger fellow who is kicking
Their butt.
Men over 50 have seen it all. They ate and drank a lot of it, as their
Expanding waistlines prove.
Men over 50 are sometimes tougher than nails. Bent nails, Rusty Nails.
Toe Nails.
Men over 50 like fast cars and loose women. What they actually have are
Loose cars and bad memories of fast women.
Men over 50 like sizzling steaks and smooth whisky. They usually need bran
Muffins and liquid fibre.
Men over 50 like to sink their teeth in a challenge. Frequently, though,
They are challenged to find their teeth in the sink.
==========
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around
The block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father, I think he's
In the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fluffy for
A walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
With it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and
Only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
Leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?
(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!)
The little girl said,"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block,
So another dog is pushing her home."
------
A womans husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for months, yet she
Stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he comes to. He motioned for her to come nearer and with tears
Welling in his eyes he whispers “You know what? You have been with me
Through all the bad times. When I got fired. You comforted me. When my
Business failed, you supported me. When I got shot, you nursed me to health.
When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby doss house. Now my
Health is failing, you are still right by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she asks eagerly. “I think you're bad luck; why don't you b** off!”
-----------
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Rochdale, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy man and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
A mate of mine has just told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
The Yanks have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof !!
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick swine.”
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
